


Lost

by XxymsxX



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Existential Angst, Experimental Style, How Do I Tag, Lethargic, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Self-Indulgent, jaebum is so whipped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9473159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxymsxX/pseuds/XxymsxX
Summary: Look who's back at it again with another 2jae angst AU?After 7 years together, Youngjae just broke it up with Jaebum out of nowhere, leaving Jaebum baffled and barely functioning what had just happened to him.





	1. Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> So here I am with another 2jae angst! As always, I just have a rough plan of this story in my head, let's see where it'll take us :)

"I deserve an explanation." 

"I have no excuse, I'm sorry."

"I don't want more excuses goddamn it! Just tell me why!" 

 

***

 

"Hey babe, I bought some fried rice for dinner. Just heat it up, I'll join you after my shower, okay?" Jaebum said as soon as he entered their apartment, leaving a kiss on top of Youngjae's head and placing the food on the dinner table. Youngjae watched silently as his lover dropped his bag on the couch, and walking to their room. He sighed, looking at the bag of fried rice on their dining table. Then his eyes moved back to the sound of their bedroom door closing, and his eyes followed Jaebum as the older one made his way to the bathroom. 

Their cat jumped on the table and started sniffing the food and usually he'd have shooed her away by now but he just watched her, his limbs too heavy to move. Eventually the cat just jumped off, not interested in whatever that was in the bag and Youngjae returned to papers strewn about in front of him. Thousands of words on dozens of papers just blurring together, merging into a huge blob of ink. He sighed yet again, in frustration this time. His phone buzze then, _'PARK JINYOUNG'_ the screen indicated, and when he let it to voicemail, his screen showed _'10 missed calls from PARK JINYOUNG'_ before the screen went black again.

 

***

 

"Look, whatever it is, I'm sure we can fix it okay?"

"No we can't, it's over."

"Yes we can! We've never- We've never even fought before, and now you just want to break up? Out of nowhere? With no damn reason?!"

 

***

 

"I'm going on a business trip in a few days, we'll be going to Jakarta, for a week or so." Jaebum mumbled sleepily, when he felt the bed dipped behind him. 

"Okay." Youngjae replied, getting under the blanket and lying down facing his lover's back. 

"Do you want anything?" Jaebum asked, followed with a yawn. 

"No, it's alright." Youngjae replied, before turning around to turn off his bedside lamp.

The room went pitch black then, and he looked at the direction of their window. It's closed now, covered with a thick curtain. He can't even see the outline of it in the darkness but his eyes focused on where it is roughly. It's the same window he looks at first thing in the morning for 7 years now, it's not difficult to place it. He used to sleep with the curtains open when he was growing up, the way the moonlight slips into his room used to be the last thing he sees every night and it helped him sleep easier. But Jaebum had always been too sensitive in his sleep, so they had to place that thick curtain there. 

He was the one who bought it of course, after Jaebum whined about how uncomfortable it is to sleep with an eye mask on. He purposely chose the thickest kind, so that his Jaebummie would have a nice sleep and would be able to go through his day feeling energised. It's not like he is nine anymore, to need the moonlight shining on him for him to be able to sleep. At the time he was turning 20, and all he needed was Jaebum's warmth next to him for him to fall asleep. But somewhere down the road, even his warmth lost it's touch, and now Youngjae yearns for the moonlight again.

 

***

 

"When did you even pack?"

"I'm leaving now."

"Where to?! This is our home!"

"A hotel for now, I don't know. I just can't stay here anymore."

"Choi Youngjae!"

"Bye, Jaebum." 

And the front door slams shut, leaving a baffled Jaebum inside the apartment, racking his brain to figure out what the hell just happened. 


	2. Write

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the past

"What are you trying to prove, Choi Youngjae?" His mom fumed, glaring a hole into his skull.

"Nothing, this is just what I want to do, what my passion is." Youngjae replied calmly, and he's able to do that now because they've had this same conversation way too many times before. 

"Passion?! Will your passion put food on the table? I've worked so hard, and now you just-" His mom started yelling again but his sister stopped her.

"Mom, please! I'll talk to him, just go and rest, okay?" His sister helped their mom to get up from the seat, and walked with her out the kitchen.

"You better make him listen Yerin-ah, he's giving me a migraine." His mom said to his sister, and he half suspected she said it extra loudly just so that he could hear it. He purposely tuned her out, especially when he heard the word _ungrateful_ slipping out of his mom's mouth. 

"Yah! Youngjae, are you crazy?" His older sister whispered angrily, taking the seat next to him on the dining table. "You know she get's extra cranky right after her work shift is done, why are you showing these to her now?"

"You say that like there is ever a _right_ time to bring these up." Youngjae replied, staring at the papers in front of him. The papers that was filled with his words that had won him a short stories writing competition earlier that day. His sister just sighed deeply, and picked up the papers to read it.

"Hmm, what is it this time? Angst again?!" 

"You know that's what I'm best at, noona." Youngjae smiled slightly, when he looks at how focused his sister was on reading his story. 

"Hmm, and what did you win again? Second place?" His sister mumbled absently, mind still busy reading the story. 

"It got first, noona." He replied shyly. And his sister immediately turned to look at him, wide eyed. 

"What? It got what?" His sister asked, smiling wider by the second.

"I said, it got first." He replied again, smiling himself and can't help but feel embarrassed when his sister literally jumped on him to give him a hug. 

"I know you could do it!! I'm so proud of you, Youngjae! Your first first, well how about that. I told you, you could be first." His sister squealed and he just smiled at her. 

"Thanks noona, for always supporting me."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm gonna revert past present past present for this too, idk yet


	3. Halt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd. Never beta'd. I'm so sorry bout that :B

Youngjae lied awake staring at the hotel ceiling, it's been two days since he left. Two days of locking himself up in this hotel room, two days of cutting communication with anyone. He had done nothing but lay in bed all day, but he felt even more exhausted. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he had eaten nothing all day because that's usually Jaebum's job. To bring home food.

He reached out for the remote control and turned on the television, not wanting to dwell in the thoughts of his lover. Or ex lover, he corrected himself. Youngjae continued to flicker on the channels, nothing in particular caught his attention. In the end he left it buzzing away, just for the sake of the sound of it. To beat out the dead silence surrounding him in that hotel room.

Do something completely out of the blue, that's how he had always confronted his life when it reached a standstill. That's how he find himself walking back to his house from school just when he was eight, because school was boring he said; his sister would remind him. That's how he find himself smoking a cigarette at the age 14, not because of peer pressure, not because anyone convinced him to, simply because he had never done it before. Now that he thought of it, that's also how he moved in with Jaebum, still fresh into college.

Usually it'd give him an ounce of satisfaction, even if he comes to regret his actions sooner or later, but for the first time he find no such ease. In fact it made him feel even more constricted, and the urge the escape seems to boil up even more. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Repeating this a dozen of times, but it feels like there's a hole in his lung and as much air as he sucks in, there's just not enough oxygen. And he yearns for more.

At one point Jaebum had been that something more, the fire that kept him going but now it's not enough. The fire Jaebum had lit had dimmed down, and the warmth it offers no longer enough for him. OR maybe nothing had changed, and he just didn't want fire anymore, he wants something cold instead. Rather than warmth embracing him every night he wants the night breeze instead. He wants the windows open, not closed. And Jaebum not only needs the windows closed, but a curtain over it too.

 

***

 

Jaebum entered and exited the nth hotel that night, looking for a man named Choi Youngjae. So far it has been futile, either the hotel refuse to hand out customer information or there's simply no Choi Youngjaes around. Youngjae could've asked them to keep his presence a secret of course, or he could've bought a room under a false name but it's unlike Yougjae to go to such efforts. So Jaebum just drove to the next hotel.

This whole thing is very unlike Youngjae, and trust him, Jaebum knows the young man better than anyone else. Or so he thought, because if there was one thing Jaebum would've bet on never happening is exactly this. Choi Youngjae, the one and only, running away from home. Because Youngjae is anything but unpredictable, Youngjae is stable, Youngjae is the one that grounded Jaebum. Youngjae had been his purpose to wake up everyday, to work and give him his best; Youngjae had been his reason to live day by day.

Work get tiring, over bearing almost but it's the thought of Youngjae waiting for him at home that had kept him with a job. It's not the best thing, but it provide food on the table, and he have enough to splurge on the younger one now and then, so it's worth it. Countless times, he sat on his 9 - 5 job watching the clock ticking ever so slowly, and as everything start to blend grey, that's when Youngjae would pop in his mind and push him to work harder with that cute smile of his. Especially when he works extra hours, it's Yougnjae that pushed his will on. 

Youngjae is the one to wake him up every morning, lay out his things for his work for him. Youngjae would be the one to make them coffee because that's the closest thing to cooking as the younger one could do; and coffee is enough for Jaebum. Because he'd always buy back enough dinner to save some for Youngjae's lunch as he eats lunch at work. Without Youngjae, Jaebum is not sure how he'd be able to wake up for his job, he's not sure if he could even continue his work knowing that Youngjae is not home waiting for him.

So Jaebum spends the rest of the night going to hotels and motels alike, searching for his lover because he not only wants to see him again, he _needs_ to.

 

***

 

 

Maybe this wasn't what he had wanted, Youngjae pondered. More so than an escape he just want's a place where he won't ever feel the need to escape anymore. And his home with Jaebum had been that place for him, his sanctuary. That had been his escape from his childhood home, his mom, his sister. Maybe he should visit her soon? It has been quite a while since he last saw his baby nephew and niece. Maybe he should consider adoption, isn't it a swell time for them to have kids. But no, they're not even married yet. 

They're not even together, he added. And what kind of dull life could he give the child? Where one of his parent is always at work, either travelling for work and the other is always too busy writing. Chasing deadline after deadline, producing thousands of words after thousands of words. When had it been so... bleak? At what point had he stopped looking forward to dinner; because it's always the same thing. That damned fried rice. But that's because Jaebum is too tired to bother much about planning what meal he'd buy back home. 

He knows that maybe he should be the one in charge of the meals, but it had always been Jaebum's job. He was never good at keeping track of the time, because he's always typing away. More times than he'd like to admit, he had been rooted at the same spot in front of his laptop from the time Jaebum left for work until the time he comes back. So if it was left to him, they'd probably wouldn't even have food for their dinners and lunches. So no, he can't be in charge of their meals even if he wants so bad something other than fried rice. 

Ask for it. Just ask for something else, and Jaebum would buy him something else but they never last. When he calls and asks for noodles instead, they'd have noodles for a week, then back to fried rice. How does Jaebum not get tired of it, he wonders and he'd remember that Jaebum would probably order something else for his lunch. And he's working so hard he probably isn't even doing it on purpose, any food is enough for him. As long as he gets to sleep afterwards, Jaebum is fine. Youngjae is not fine however. 

 

***

 

He'd been travelling to much, Jaebum thought to himself. That'd make sense, maybe Youngjae got too lonely and that's why he left. But he's always free to join hiim, even if he stopped asking, surely the younger one knows that? When he had started to work out of town, he'd always ask Youngjae if he'd want to follow him and the younger one would always decline. Saying he don't want to interrupt his work, saying he has deadlines to meet. And eventually Jaebum just stopped asking, because it's always the same answer isn't it?

One day Youngjae had asked for a bottle of ink from Japan, and ever since then he'd ask the younger one what he wanted instead, rather than if he wants to follow him. Sometimes the younger one would answer with some local sweets or just tools for his writing, but lately he hadn't asked for anything. The realisation made Jaebum miss the green light, and only snapped out of his reverie when the cars behind him started to honk. 

Why hadn't he ask for anything? Jaebum can't help but feel there's something more to that, not just because the younger one wanted nothing. He sighed, and cursed himself for not paying more attention when he had asked these questions. Maybe that is it, maybe Youngjae had been feeling that he hadn't paid enough attention lately? He could fix this he thought, take some time off work and take him for a short getaway somewhere. Japan maybe? The younger one had always loved Japan. A small bublle of hope started to form in his heart, because he could _fix_ this. 

And now, he just needs to find Youngjae. 

 

 


	4. Band

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in the past

"This is Youngjae, the kid I told you about." Yugyeom introduced him to a smaller boy dressed in a baggy sweater, hair a deep chestnut and a small shy smile plastered on his face.

"Kid? I thought you said he's older than you?" Jaebum asked, and eyebrow raised. Did he misheard Yugyeom? Looking at Youngjae now, he could easily beileve that Yugyeom is indeed the older one.

"I am. He's just being a disrespectful brat." The smallest man commented, elbowing Yugyeom as the youngest just chuckled.

"Im Jaebum. You can call me hyung." He said to Youngjae, extending his hand.

"Nice to meet you, hyung." Youngjae replied, shaking his hand.

 

Jackson then came stumbling in from the backroom, where they had also set up the gears for their band, turning it into some bootleg recording/practice room. Mark and Bam was right behind him, all of them gawking at Youngjae. Jaebum almost smiled then, looking at the younger one turning red at the attention he's getting but he stopped himself before he could. As the face of a punk bad, he had a cold image to stand by to.

 

"Oh, who's this?" Bam asked, eyeing him up and down.

"Who's this _hyung_ , you brat." Jaebum flicked his forehead. "And this is Youngjae, he said he'd help to write some lyrics for us."

"Ah, you're the amazing writer Yugyeom been rambling about?" Jackson smiled, and Youngjae immediately denied it.

"I'm not a great writer, I just do it as a hobby mostly. Yugyeom had just been-"

"What are you saying hyung?! Your stories are amazing! Beat any novels I've read out there." Yugyeom started defending him -from himself- and Jaebum snorted.

"You don't read novels." Jaebum and Youngjae replied at the same time, and instantly turned to look at each other.

"Jinx!!" Bam shouted, laughing along with Yugyeom as the two of them still was staring at each other.

"What?" Youngjae asked, turning to look at the younger ones; snapping Jaebum out of it too. Bam and Yugyeom gasped over dramatically, and immediately shoved their palms against Youngjae's mouth.

"Hyung!! You're not supposed to say anything when you're jinxed!!" Yugyeom shouted.

"Orm hwhat?" Youngjae mumbled against their palm and somehow Yugyeom's eyes manage to pop even wider.

"Or it's bad luck hyung!! Now stay quiet!"

"Knock it off, both of you." Jaebum just sighed, and pinched both of their ears.

"Ow, hyung!" They whined and complained, but Jaebum just dragged them by the ear to the backroom.

"Shut up, time to practice."

Youngjae just stood there awkwardly, watching the two getting dragged by Jaebum. The other two is still in front of him, and he suddenly felt a little anxious, but not for long because the two of them just smiled at him.

"I'm Jackson, you can call me hyung. Or not, up to you." The blond one smiled, and pointed at the taller of them two. "And this is Mark, he's the oldest here. And it's up to you if you just wanna call him Mark too."

"Jackson? Mark?" Youngjae asked, confused by their english names.

"Oh, Yugyeom didn't tell you. Mark here is from America, and I myself from Hong Kong."

"Oh really?" Youngjae asked, flustered by his mistake. "You korean is really good, hyung."

"Thanks." Jackson winked. "Now let's show you the backroom, a.k.a where all the magic happens." 

 

***

 

"I'll give you some beats we've recorded later, and just see what you can some up with I guess, We can arrange it later." Jaebum said to Youngjae while the rest was packing up.

"Okay. Um, do you want to read some of my writings first... Or?" Youngjae asked.

"Nah, Yugyeom said you're good so yeah. Let's just see what you come up with." Jaebum shrugged.

"Oh, okay. Cool." Youngjae nodded absentmindedly and Jaebum was left staring at the younger one again. At how adorable he looks, especially standing face to face with the younger one. "Is there something else?" Jaebum almost fell back when Youngjae aksed him that right in front of his face. 

"Uhh, nothing." He snapped, and walked away to help the others clean up too. Youngjae just followed him with his eyes, finding the band lead a little odd in his behaviour. 

 

***

 

"So hyung, did you like our songs?" Yugyeom asked as they were waiting outside of the building where they had been practising. 

"Yeah, they're real good, Yugyeom-ah." Youngjae just smiled at his neighbour widely and cooed at the younger one's shy expression until the younger one playfully pushed him away.

"How about the room? We decorated it all by ourselves. Mostly me." He added with a smug look and Youngjae just snorted.

"Who lives in there anyway? How come you have free reign of the room?" 

"Oh, this is Mark's apartment, hyung." 

"Mark? How old is he? Is this his family's apartment you mean?" Youngjae asked, a little surprised.

"No, it's his, hyung. His parents are like filthy rich or something, they're still in America. He finished high school a year ago, he's only a year older that Jackson and Jaebum hyung."

"Why didn't he just go back?" Youngjae aksed. 

"For the band, duh." Yugyeom looked at him like he had said something dumb. "Plus he's interning or something at his uncle's company near here."

"How about college?"

"He's waiting for Jackson, they want to enrol together. They're not dating, well officially at least. But they lowkey are together." yugyeom whispered the last part to him. 

"What are you two gossiping about?" Jackson asked, joining the duo with his guitar strapped behind his back.

"Youngjae hyung was just asking who's place this is." Yugyeom answered.

"You're free to drop by anytime, sweetie." Jackson smiled at him softly causing him to blush in embarrassment. 

"Ah hyung! Stop flirting, you're disgusting." Yugyeom whined in disgust.

"Aww, is my baby maknae jealous. You want some loving too?" Jackson pulled him in for a headlock but Yugyeom pushed him off with fake gagging noises. 

"Keep your dirty hands off me, you perv." 

 

Younjae just laughed at the two's behaviour as they continued with their silly banter. Soon Bam came and joined in too and Youngjae could totally see now why Yugyeom spends so much of his time together with them. At one point he got dragged into the banter too, adn now they're all just fooling around but he instantly stopped laughing when he turned to see Jaebum's eyes on him. 

 

"Jaebum-ah, stop scaring the poor child." Jackson scolded the older one, and pulled Youngjae for a side hug. 

"I'm your hyung." Jaebum scolded back, before turning to look at Youngjae. "And here's the recorded beats. I've written my number there too, so just call me or whatever when you're done." 

"You know he lives right next to Yugyeom right, he don't need your number." Jackson teased him and laughed when he saw the faint pink blush on Jaebum's cheek. 

"I just thought it'd be easier, you idiot." Jaebum pulled Jackson with his arm and playfully rub his head and they all started to walk home. With Jackson's whines loud and clear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments as to what yall think so far? Or what yall think the direction of the fic is going to go to???


	5. Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is very very self indulgent guys ;0

_"They're back with a new album, and another tour."_

 

Youngjae watches the shadow of his old neighbour performing on stage, alongside the list of oncoming tour dates popping on the screen of the television. He recognises another face of the band member, having spent a lot of his time in high school with the two of them, but he can't recognise anyone else in that band. The same band that he had spent so much of his time investing in writing lyrics for, at some point had became something else completely. Youngjae blinks, eyes then focused on their ripped clothes and dark make up, a cliche punk band get up. It's the same thing _they_ used to wear back then too, the only difference is that they are designer goods this time; not a pair of old jeans they'd rip and splash paint on themselves. And Youngjae wonders mindlessly if they'd drop that look eventually and start wearing 'grown up clothes' - like the rest of _them_ did -  but it's okay though, since they're the two youngest. They can take their time.

Maybe that's how they're able to keep this up, to even make it out there in the entertainment world. The forever young mindset, living it day by day. Not having to worry about making it to work on time, not having to worry about deadlines; and when you have free time from not worrying, you'd have to time to produce music then, won't you? To be the youngest and have all the time in the world, because the oldest are the ones who always have to get out first to the real world after all, doing their best so the younger ones don't have to face the reality and hardships what they faced. The oldest are the ones who have to throw away their dreams so the younger ones don't have to, like parents sacrificing theirs so their kids can have a better life. Maybe the world has just been programmed in such a way, and no one could do anything about it. 

So what happens then? Are the young ones to be blamed for being the reason why the older one's dreams gets thrown out? But they didn't program the world in that way, so it's not really their fault. Are the older ones to be held responsible then, for their own actions, for throwing away their own dreams. But responsibility is a huge thing in life, even bigger than love Youngjae thinks. Because with responsibility, there's always pride involved in it as well. No one forces the oldest to provide for pave way for the younger ones, but that's their unspoken responsibility, everyone knows what role they have to play. 

But what happens when you mix love with responsibility? There is no room for pride in love after all, is there? What happens is something very dangerous. For you to be so in love with someone; that you're willing to throw away everything, even your pride and be left with nothing else other than your love for that person. But responsibility comes with every life; responsibility for yourself, your family, your friends, your lover, etc. There is no life without responsibility - and with responsibility comes pride -, because without it you'd just be reckless and aimless. 

Youngjae feels like he's at that stage right now. Being reckless and aimless, and he's trying to remember at what point did it became a downhill road? At what point of his life -his love- did it became a fall to the abyss that he is in now? 

He needed time off, to find his responsibility - pride - again. To be responsible again, and stop living an aimless life. 

 

***

 

_"They're back with a new album, and another tour."_

 

Jaebum watches the television, eyes focusing back to attention when he saw the familiar face and band name on the television screen. It's half past two in the morning and he have to be up for work in roughly four hours but he can't fall asleep. Watching the band right now he suddenly felt the urge to play his guitar again. The guitar that he hadn't touched in a almost a year now, never having time to actually play it. When a familiar tune starts playing on the television, Jaebum stood up and went to grab his old guitar. 

He stashed most of the songs he had worked on alongside the guitar, some of which Youngjae had worked on as well. He flipped through pages and pages of scribbled words, dates ranging all the way back to over ten years ago and the most recent almost five years old. He read some of the lines, memories of him and Youngjae staying up late at nights writing them pops up in his mind, along with the memories of them practising the songs in Mark's apartment. They seem so distant, it almost feels like a different lifetime.

As he reads lines after lines of teenage angst, he can't help but feel a little embarrassed; at how childish they seem. As he grew older, their lyrics started to grow as well, from a teenager's meltdown to bigger problems like society's hypocrisy. He remembers imagining the days that they'd be on a world stage, singing his lungs out and spreading their message to all the youths in the world, to share their view. To rebel, to create a better world a better future. 

Maybe that's just a phase all teenagers go through? A feeling of needing to find somewhere to belong, needing to find people that shares their view. To rebel and create a future the way they see fit. Jaebum if everyone else would grow up one day and sees that following society's norm is easier then rebelling against it? Maybe he's just not brave enough. Maybe he just never had confidence to start with, and he's just tired of pretending that he was. Maybe growing up and seeing how cruel the world actually is started to chip his confidence away, made him fall on his knees. 

But Yugyeom and BamBam made it, on to the world stage that they all had dreamt off. Considering Jackson and Mark didn't, put him into ease a little. They all ended up succumbing to the real world. And then there was Youngjae, who had followed him no matter what. From the lead of a punk band to a office worker, working a boring job. Sometimes it bothered him, wondering if he's enough for Youngjae but the younger one never complained, so he thought they were happy. Apparently not happy enough. 

What if Youngjae wanted back the man he fell in love with, the rebel? Jaebum sighed, shoving back the papers into the bag where they came from. Anger started to rise up in him, anger at the world; not Youngjae, never Youngjae. But the world didn't force him to quit his dream, he did it himself. He was too scared of the uncertainty in being in a band, the uncertainty of the entertainment world where you are the ít' thing for one moment and you can be forgotten the next second. So he chose the corporate life, joining Youngjae's college a year later taking up a business degree.

He never regretted choosing the life he have, because watching Youngjae achieve _his_ dream was worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll upload another one real soon, I actually wanted to post both chapters at once but this one been on my draft for days now, I just haven't been around the finish the other one. SO rather than keeping you guys wait I just publish this even though it's just slightly over 1k words. As always, comment? They really keep me going!!


	6. Mom

He knew it wasn't right of him, and he wanted to speak out and stop his sister, but he didn't because the self sacrificing gene didn't get passed on to him apparently. So he kept quiet despite knowing the truth, and let his sister to do whatever it was she had decided. He hears the hushed conversations they'd have behind him and sometimes he just wants to barge in and tell them that he knows. He knew all along but he didn't. He stayed in his room feigning ignorance.

Ignorance is bliss after all, and oh how true that is. Most of his daydreams consists of him returning back to his childhood, reliving and creating happy memories of them back when his dad was still around. It's easier when you don't have to worry about anything, because your parents are the one responsible for that. All a child have to know is how to have fun, and have little adventures. 

A part of him don't feel too guilty at times, when he convince himself that whatever it is that he does is just a sort of repayment for the shit that he went through growing up. But then he'd be reminded that his sister and mother went through them too, but ignorance is bliss. And it's too appealing, and he had just been so tired. So he kept quiet and continued being selfish. 

But soon the selfishness turned to self pity, and he wanted to run away. Needed to run away. 

And right then, Jaebum charged into his life like prince charming. And he's the damsel in distress. 

He spent most of his time writing songs for the band. Sometimes he'd even skip school to join them in their practice, even when he'd do nothing but watch them. Over time he didn't even have to force himself to be there, he just gets pulled to them. To Jaebum. And soon the reason he's there is no longer to simply not be at home; but it's to spend more time with Jaebum. 

His mom realized of course, and asked him where he's been spending his time at. And he'd reply with Yugyeom, which isn't an entire lie. He knew his mom would back off a little at that, because she knows Yugyeom, and trust him. But every now and then he'd feel her eyes on him when he leaves the house and the guilt does sink in. But he'd walk under the rain to wash it away. 

One night he reached home late, to see dinner cooked and placed untouched on the table, and his sister snoring away on the living room couch. She was still in her blouse and skirt, what she had worn for work. She must've cooked and waited for him, he thought, and that made the guilt return again. So for once -in a long time- he didn't run away and hide, he walked to her and woke her up. 

And what he feared didn't happen, he actually enjoyed talking to his sister. And when he saw her short dyed brown hair he realized how much he missed it, and how long he hadn't spend time with her to not even realize when she had cut her long hair to something so short. When the guilt started to creep back up, his sister would crack a stupid joke and it'd sink back down again, covered with their laughter. 

He then made a promise to be home every dinner, so that his sister can sleep earlier. And it went well, for a couple of weeks. But his mom brought up how he's treating their home as a hotel, only coming back to sleep and bathe and he felt suffocated again. His sister asked her to stop it, and she started nagging again and he saw the tiredness returns to his sister's eyes and he need to leave again. The spell is over, reality is back on them again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually am very sorry to everyone who is reading this, at how slow my updates are. I hope you'd stay but it's selfish of me to expect that.   
> As for the plot, I'm just projecting myself at Youngjae atm.   
> Writing this been a lil weird, imma be honest. Kinda feels like writing a diary almost.   
> I am actually writing a decent story atm tho, but I think I'll post that as a whole rather than an update at a time. It's not really writer's block but I've just had no energy to write much these days. *sigh*   
> Now I'm projecting myself here. I thought of deleting this, idk tho. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always <3 I don't deserve this truly


	7. Poems

He stared at the passing bus, sucking on his popsicle. He don't actually know how much time had passed since he checked out of the hotel, but a look at the glaring afternoon sun and he couldn't bring himself to move, to even check the time. So he sat there, even after his popsicle has finished and counted the amount of bus that had came and left the bus-stop. He reached six before deciding that when the tenth one came, that's when he will turn on his phone again and return to reality. So he mindless look around, taking in everything without giving it much thought. The sun had started to lower itself, slowly, Youngjae notices and he chuckled to himself, and can't help but think about the likelihood of something as minuscule as him gets a chance to escape when even the sun can't run away. Every single day it will rise and it will set; a simple routine. And there's no escaping routine, no matter how hard he wants to.

So he didn't wait for the tenth bus, but boarded the eight one instead. No more planning, he thought. He's just going to do everything impulsively, because that's the closest thing to breaking a routine as he could get. But looking at the destination of the bus, he regretted his choice immediately, because he don't know the area that the bus is going to. He chuckled again, humorlessly. Perhaps routines exists for a reason, and that is to keep people from getting lost. And he learnt that lesson immediately and ironically. 

But he was on the bus, might as well sit through it. Youngjae sighed, and wished he's the type of person - like any normal person - that is brave, or confident enough to stand up, walk up to the driver and demand to be dropped off. To admit that he had taken the wrong bus, and he don't want to head to wherever this bus is heading. But he is not brave nor confident, so he just relaxed against his seat and stared out the window, mindlessly staring at all the cars that they passed by. A few times he'd see a black jeep and his heart would stop, eyes widening until he reads the car's plate number and realize that it's not Jaebum. Then he'd get a little disappointed and wondered to himself why it's disappointment, not relief. 

 

***

 

Jaebum stared at the typewriter he had bought for Youngjae a couple of years after they've moved in, and back to the piece of paper in his hand. It's an antique, more of a showpiece but Youngjae had used it a couple of times. Once was to write him a poem, the exact one he's reading.

 _I once hated the entire_  
_Universe_  
_And everything_  
_That came with it._

 _But your eyes are_  
_The countless stars_  
_And your lips,_  
_The edge of the_  
_Galaxy._

 _Your soul like Earth_  
_The only one planet_  
_That can support_  
_Life._

 _And I'm the_  
_Black hole_  
_That makes everything into_  
_Nothing._

He didn't know what to say then, so he didn't say anything. But they've never really needed much words between them, because he pulled Youngjae into a hug and they spent the rest of the night snuggled in each other's arm. The poem is a little sad, but Youngjae's writing had always been a little sad. He used to beg Youngjae to tell him if there's anything bothering him but he had long learned that Youngjae wasn't hiding anything. That he just likes to write, and he'd write whatever that comes to mind; and it just happens that Youngjae has a sad mind. 

He knew of course, what had happened between Youngjae and his family, because Youngjae truly does tell him every single thing that happened so that's why it unnerves him that Youngjae had left without saying more than a goodbye. He tells Jaebum when he's done with a manuscript, he tells Jaebum about the ladybug that crawled up his finger when he was typing and he'd tell Jaebum when he misses him dad. Jaebum knows him like the back of his hand, so he knows that the reason Youngjae left was definitely not because something had broken out. 

If he had done something wrong, Youngjae would've just told him. Jaebum sighed, and put the paper back in the drawer. Truth be told, Jaebum don't know what is going on anymore, maybe what he thought of Youngjae had never been the right thing in the first place. He's half expecting to wake up to the past week being just a dream. He's getting migraines and he chides himself for being so weak. He never had been the greatest for working under pressure. Usually a foot out of his normal daily routine and his anxiety would start clawing out. And right now, it's at an all time high, and he don't know what to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact : I love writing poems x Oh and like I said, I was writing a fic atm and it's halfway done as opposed to this one which I'm still not clear as to where it's heading. Would you guys mind if I post that in the middle of this still being incomplete? Let me know x


	8. Leaving

"It's getting too tiring to balance this with my studies... I don't think I can continue this anymore." Mark said, and the room went completely quiet. This was obviously not what the youngest two was expecting from the eldest when he had abruptly called them to meet that night, by the shocked look on their faces. Jaebum however had more or less guessed it, considering how much practice the elder had been missing lately. And by the look on Jackson's face he must've had known about this already, they must've had talked about it.

"Hyung, you can't just leave!" Yugyeom replied harshly, brows knitted together.

"Yeah, how about the band, Mark?" Bam continued but was not met with any replies either. The duo continued pestering him until Jackson asked them to quiet down.

"Hyung, why are you not saying anything?!" Yugyeom now turned his attention to Jaebum, who had been awfully quiet the whole time. And whatever Yugyeom saw on his face had made it even worse. "Wait, you knew about this too?"

"No... But I had my guesses." He replied, honestly, meeting Mark's wide eyes on him. 

"Well aren't you gonna say anything?" Bam asked, looking at him like he's missing something obvious. 

"What can I say? If you wanna leave, leave." He said, and quickly added at the sight of hurt on Mark's face. "I mean, I'm not gonna hold you back here y'know? It's your life, whatever you decide I won't hold it against you." 

"I'm sorry." Mark whispered, looking at Jaebum but everyone knows t was meant to each one of them. 

"Don't be." Jaebum replied, and offered him a small smile, to tell him that it really is okay. 

"I can't believe this." Yugyeom spat disgustedly, and left the room with Bam trailing behind him. 

"Don't worry about them, they'll come around." Jaebum reassured Mark, walking over to give his shoulder a squeeze before going out of the room himself.

 

***

 

"How are you so calm, hyung?! We worked so hard for this, and now he's just... He's just leaving!" Yugyeom shouted, and Jaebum sighed.

"Remember what we promised when we started this band? That no matter what happens, we'll always have each other's back? That means we'll always have Mark hyung's back even if he leave us okay?" 

"How about our backs? He don't seem to care about that." Bam snorted.

"Yugyeom-ah, Bam-ah... Did you guys forget who even wanted to start this band? It's Mark. And whose house had we been practising through out high school? It's Mark's as well. And you guys know how his family is, how they held him so highly for being the eldest son in the family. You really think they'll just let their heir be a guitarist in some punk band?" Jaebum said, trying to remind them that Mark isn't the bad guy here. 

"But..." Yugyeom sighed defeatedly, eyes rimmed with tears as he continued in a broken voice. "It won't be the same, hyung. you don't understand."

"Of course I do." He reassured them.

"No you don't!" Yugyeom shouted, glaring at him. "It's not just about him leaving, it's all the time we spent practising and writing, are they all for nothing? How can he not even talk about it to us, and just decided to tell us one day that he's quitting?! And why is it only the two of us that is upset by this? You and Jackson are in this band too but y'all look like you don't even give a shit." 

"I'm telling you it's not that simple." He snapped. "Do you really think Mark hyung just woke up one day and decided to leave?! He started this band, he probably loves it more than any of us. You're not the only one who spent hours and hours on this band, he did too but sometimes you just can't have it the way you want it okay? It's not easy for him, hell did you see how awful they looked back there? Don't you think that the both of them, not only Mark, are feeling guilty right now?"

"But..."

"I'm upset too but it's not going to change anything. He has decided, okay. Probably spent countless nights stirring in bed trying to figure things out and the last thing I want to do is make it even harder for him. We'll always have each other's back, and I'm standing by that. No matter what, Yugyeom-ah. You can't hate the man for leaving after all the things he had done for us."

"I don't hate him." Yugyeom replied, bottom lip bitten raw in an attempt to not cry out. Bam had been awfully quiet, staring into a corner and Jaebum felt like shit; for not being able to look after the youngest two. 

"Talk to him, yeah? Remember that no one wants it to be like this, if it's up to us. Sometimes... you just don't have much choice in life."

 

***

 

"Are you serious?" Jaebum asked, albeit not really being that surprised.

"Yeah, and shit. I don't know how to tell them, Jaebum-ah." Jackson grumbled. 

"I- I don't know either." He replied, not knowing how to help his friend here. 

"They took Mark leaving pretty harshly I don't want them to be even more devastated. It hasn't been that long since Mark left."

"Keeping it from them won't do anyone any good, Jackson. Sooner is better." Jaebum advises him. 

"I know, but..." Jackson kept quiet and Jaebum kept quiet too, knowing that there is no good way out of this. "You're not saying anything." 

"What can I say?" Jaebum asked back.

"I don't know... Aren't you mad?" 

"Not really. For some reason it doesn't even feel... wrong." Jaebum confessed.

"Are you... You know?" Jackson looked at him with eyebrows raised. 

"I don't know." Jaebum shrugged. "It's just- Honestly what kind of future I'd have? Isn't that why you are leaving too? Why Mark left? So I can't really be mad, since I'm worried too." 

"Yeah..." Jackson agreed with a sigh. 

 

***

 

"How are you doing, hyung?" Youngjae asked, over a cup of coffee.

"Fine? I suppose." Jaebum shrugged.

"Suppose?" 

"The new guys are great, but I feel like a grandpa there." Jaebum chuckled to himself. "The kids are getting along great though."

"Stop calling them 'the kids' and maybe you won't feel like such a grandpa." Youngjae teased him. "And of course they are, aren't they all classmates?" 

"Yeah, too young of a crowd for me." 

"Hyung, stop talking like you're fifty." 

"I just feel out of place, okay?" Jaebum replied.

"I can talk to Yugyeom." Youngjae offered, and Jaebum just shook his head.

"And say what exactly?" 

"I don't know, just-"

"There's nothing wrong, Youngjae-ah. Nothing to fix." 

"Well if you're uncomfortable, that menas something is wrong, hyung." Youngjae said.

"I'm not uncomfortable, well... Not really, just unused to it. And I can handle it, okay? You don't have to talk to him for me." 

"Okay, hyung." 

 

***

 

"But you're our main singer." Yugyeom scoffed.

"You've been doing vocals just fine, Gyeom-ah. And your friend is not so bad too, he can do the backups." 

"Seokmin? Hyung, how long has he been in this group and you still don't know his name?" Yugyeom snapped and Jaebum just sighed, knowing that Yugyeom is probably just picking on the smallest details because he is upset right now. 

"You will be fine, the new songs are great too. You don't even need me anymore, yeah?" He tried to joke but the two remained unamused. 

"Is that why you're leaving? Because we're writing songs too? Well it is _our_ band too, hyung. Not every song we sing has to be yours!" Yugyeom shouted and that's when Youngjae interrupted him. 

"Yugyeom! You know that's not what hyung meant!" 

"Then what do you mean? Why are you leaving?" It was Bam now that has snapped, and Jaebum just sighed deeper.

"Jae-ah, wait outside for me, okay?" 

"Hyung-"

"Youngjae." He said sharply, and Youngjae eventually left the room with a pout. "The new songs are great, I meant it okay? And no, that's not the reason I'm leaving." 

"Then?" Bam continued.

"Same reasons as Mark and Jackson I suppose... I just, can't stay here any longer." Yugyeom laughed hen bitterly and humorlessly. 

"You're a hypocrite, you know that? No, all three of you, you're all hypocrites! We sings songs about being fearless and about paving our own future, but at the small sighting of it, all three of you are just running away with your tails between your legs."

"You're right." Jaebum replied, even when the words pang him a little. He wanted to defend himself but the truth is, that's what it really comes down to, wasn't it? He's just a coward.

"You're right." Bam scoffed. "It's so easy for you guys to leave, huh?" He added bitterly. 

"It hasn't been easy-" He tried to defend himself but was cut off. He couldn't explain how long this has been weighing his mind, how worried both Mark Jackson had been too, how hard it has been for them to leave the band that all five of them had build together, how hard it was to disappoint them both. 

"Fine then, leave. Don't come chasing us when we're successful though." Yugyeom snapped, making his way to the door. "Hope all three of you would be happy living in that pretentious safe bubble you build for yourself." He sneered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone for month, that's seriously a new low for me. I AM SORRY. To be real honest, I had been a lil busy at work and then the internet disappeared for a week (I could've just typed it and readjust the format but my lazy ass just prefer typing it out all on the site straight so really, this just just a stupid excuse.) And also I got a wacom tablet recently so been spending most of my time on that AND also my house is getting renovated (again stupid excuse but HEH I just can't write uncomfortably, okay T_T) All in all, months been a lil busy.
> 
> As for this story, I said earlier I really don't have a clue where I'm heading with this, well no. It was supposed to be more of what they're thinking kind of story, more than the actions if you know what I mean? Like their thought process rather than actions and talkings. Since I like reading those stories; what I didn't take into counting is that it's quite difficult and because I didn't plan it properly it's not really working out that great. I ain't dropping this though, cause I really hate when people do that so I'm just gonna apologise again for the absence and lack of plot really. I'm just really sorry, because I know I could write better, and this is just honestly not my best work. So sorry, again. I also tend to over apologise which I'm sure you've noticed, and yes, I'm also sorry for that. T_T I'm a mess. 
> 
> I've also been busy with my art mostly, to distract myself from my writer's block. If anyone is interested, my ig page is : hestrish_art 
> 
> Shameless pluggin. WOW she did THAT.


	9. Strong

He prided himself in being the strongest, an alpha male almost. But that's way back in school, where he was always picked as class president or the leader of the student union. The teachers used to say he just had a way to him, to pull people together, grabbing everyone's attention whether he had wanted to or not. Maybe that, and the white picket fence kind of family he was raised in, he thought everything was sunshine. In that small bubble he grew up in, being likeable is good enough. Of course, just like everyone else, he grew up. And perhaps it's the teenage angst or just the inevitable discovery of how cruel the world could be - to others- Jaebum eventually popped the bubble that he had always felt so safe in. 

The lead of a band. That's always what the rebels would do wouldn't it, just he stark contrast of the smart kids, but i wasn't really that for him. In fact he met Mark in church, and their earliest practices was singing hymns, not that they'd admit it to anyone of course. Eventually the five of them just ended up together in a rock band, and it was back to another bubble, though he hadn't realised it yet at that time. Their love for music, their plans for a better future. And for that little while, Jaebum thinks that they really did believe they could've changed the future. Through their music, or lyrics or whatever; he thought whatever he had was good enough to bring change. 

Then he met Youngjae, who really was the first kid he knew that didn't grew up the same way he did. If you had asked him earlier, he'd say that he doesn't discriminate while choosing his friends, and he doesn't. Not really, but he could've reached out more but he didn't. All his friends had white picket fence family, a community of people they'd meet every week to sing praises to God, and they had each other. He didn't choose his friends because all of them were friends of friends of friends; everyone knew each other. And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's a bubble. 

Falling for Youngjae was instantaneous yet at the same time it was not. He found him cute, took a liking immediately but the more time he spent with him, he just kept falling deeper and deeper. Youngjae wasn't the easiest person to open up but whatever the younger one had seen in him must've been enough to tell him that yes, Jaebum is worth sharing his secrets too. And it meant a huge deal to Jaebum, probably more that it really is but he took pride in knowing the deepest and most honest parts of Youngjae. Things that only he knows, because Youngjae would always tell him that he had no one else he could talk with about the things he felt; without worrying about judgement.  

It could mean that Youngjae was only telling him because there was no one else he could talk to, but rather he'd like to think that he had the privilege of being able to know Youngjae so well. And perhaps it was that pride that made him believe he knew absolutely everything about the younger one. So when something like this happened, it gives him such a whiplash his world just seems to fall off it's axis. 

 

***

 

He never bothered about being the strongest, even when all the other boys used to play and push each other around to see who would be the last one standing, he'd just watch them from afar. Youngjae just didn't see the point of it, who cares if he's stronger than the other person, it doesn't mean that he's better, no, it doesn't mean that at all. Because his dad had always been the strongest man he knew, lifting both he and his sister up at the same time, carrying packets of rice from the car into the house with just one arm when he and his sister can barely lift it off the ground. His mother would always turn to him for help opening the bottles, or cans because she was weaker, and he was stronger. 

When the bruises started to appear on her skin, it was because of that too. She was weaker and he was stronger. He'd push her around easily, when he had one too many and she'd fly as light as one of his teddy bears. But as much her her body bruises, as weak as she was; she'd still be strong enough to keep him away from them, at least until they were out of the house, or under the beds. So no, Youngjae doesn't see the point of being the strongest, doesn't see why everyone wants to be one so badly. Because being stronger just mean more bruises and more crying. 

And it'll always reach a tipping point. A kid get pushed down to hard and he'll start crying; that's when a teacher would come and all the boys would get in trouble. Or when his mother would pass out and his father finally reached them, and left bruises on them too. Both of course had their consequences. One, all the boys would be asked to stand outside the class for a whole period as their punishment and two, divorce papers that costed his mother whatever money she had saved up. And the repercussions;  one, he no longer sees the boys push each other around anymore and two, he no longer sees his dad anymore. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update this weekend too!~


	10. Beach

"Hyung, can  you come pick me up?" Youngjae asked, the second Jaebum picked up the phone.

"Where are you?" Jaebum asked back immediately, Youngjae's heart squeezing a little bit as worry laced his words. 

"I don't know." He replied, looking around the bus stop, and at the beach behind him but his mind refused to digest any of the words.

"It's alright, just send me your location." Jaebum said, voice calm as always. 

"Okay, hyung." 

 

***

 

_"Hyung, can you pick me up?" Youngjae sobbed._

_"Youngjae?! Where are you? Why're you crying? What's goi-" Jaebum replied frantically._

_"I'm near the junction I'd always wait."_

_"I'll be right there, Youngjae-ah, just don't hang up, okay?"_

_"Okay, hyung."  He replied softly as more tears rolled down his cheeks._

 

_Jaebum parked the car quickly and didn't even bother to close the door before running to Youngjae and pulling him into a hug. Youngjae cried harder, and Jaebum just did his best to calm him down, running his hand up and down his back. He didn't ask why, he didn't ask what happened because he knows Youngjae would tell him about it when he's ready. At that moment he just focused on making Youngjae to stop crying._

_"Do you think I'm a horrible son?" Youngjae asked him, eyes staring blankly out the window as Jaebum drove aimlessly around town. Youngjae stopped crying after standing near that junction for ten minutes, and followed Jaebum quietly when he seated him in the car, and continued to be quiet for the past hour._

_"Of course not." Jaebum replied, with a small frown._

_"Why? How are you so confident?" Youngjae asked, again with the blank look on his face._

  _"Horrible people aren't worried about others Youngjae. About how other's think of them, that's why they're horrible."  He replied._

_"But what if I do all the horrible things anyway?" Youngjae asked, voice cracking as his eyes started to tear up again. "Who cares about conscience if I keep doing the same shit despite feeling guilty?"_

_"What did you do?" Jaebum asked, once he parked the car by the roadside. Youngjae kept quiet, and it bothered Jaebum. That vacant stare, it's too lifeless. "Youngjae-ah."_

_"You want to know why she hates me so much hyung?" Youngjae replied instead, and continued before Jaebum could interrupt him to tell him she doesn't hate him. "I'm a lot like my dad. Some say I'm a carbon copy of him, and not just from the hair, to the face; even our attitudes are the same. Maybe looking at me everyday just brings her too much pain, and I don't blame her."_

_"Your mum loves you." Jaebum answered and he meant it, he talked to her before; he knows that she is just worried over Youngjae._

_"I know she does, but sometimes you can both hate and love someone at the same time, can't you?" The younger one asked, turning to look at him._

_"Do... do you hate her?" Jaebum asked, as softly as he could not knowing any gentler way to put it._

_"He used to be a writer too." Youngjae continued, ignoring the question. "And I knew it, loved his stories. I think that's why I started to write too, and my mum hated it, everything about it. Maybe it's because it reminds her more of him, or whatever it was but she's always hated me writing. A good child would stop, no? But I kept on it, half because I like it half because of complete stubbornness."_

_"Loving writing doesn't make you a horrible son." Jaebum said._

_"No, but hurting my mum makes me one. I knew she hate it, but I still continue. I wanted to piss her off, if I'm honest. To give me an excuse for my hatred." Youngjae continued, hand fiddling with his shirt; looking away from Jaebum._

_"Hatred?" Jaebum asked._

_"My hatred for her."  He whispered._

 

***

 

"I'm sorry." Was the first thing Youngjae said when Jaebum reached him.  

"Why?" Jaebum asked, looking at the younger one, feeling like he could breathe again knowing that the younger one is doing well. 

"For leaving." Youngjae replied, looking down guiltily. 

"No." Jaebum shook his head. "Why did you do it?"

"I'm sorry." Youngjae apologised again. 

"Stop apologising, I'm not mad." Jaebum explained soft as ever, and brushes Youngjae's hair off his forehead. "Just tell me why." 

 

***

 

_"I'm sorry." Youngjae said._

_"Why?" His mum asked him._

_"For leaving." Youngjae replied, not looking up at his mum, even when his sister nudged him to do so._

_"No." His mum replied. "Why did you do it?"_

_"I'm sorry." Youngjae apologised again, monotonously; not sounding sorry at all._

_"Stop apologising, it's pointless." His mum replied, brute as ever. "Tell me why you left, and where you disappeared to."_

 

_"I went to stay with Jaebum." He replied, honestly._

_"Why're you troubling the kid?" His mum asked and he snorted._

_"As if you care." He said under his breath and his sister nudged him again, glaring at him._

_"Youngjae." His mum sighed and he felt the urge to run again. "What are you doing?"_

_"Not like you wanted me here anyway." He replied, and his mum stared at him horrified._

_"What did you say?" His mum asked, but his sister stepped in before he could repeat it._

_"Youngjae, go to your room!" And he was pushed out of there before he could do much else._

 

***

 

"I needed to breathe, it was too stuffy." Youngjae said.

"Okay. But you could've told me, I could've brought you here myself." Jaebum replied.

"No you can't, you have work." He replied, and saw how Jaebum's face morphed into a look of guilt. "I'm not blaming you, hyung. I have work too. I couldn't had planned it, I wasn't even here all that time, I was just in some hotel room. It was just a sudden urge to leave, so I did." 

"Are you better?" Jaebum asked, after a while of just hearing the muted waves on the beach.

"I think I'll go visit my sister." Youngjae replied, and by now Jaebum had grown used to the way the younger one would change the direction of their conversation whatever way he wanted.

"I can come with you." Jaebum offered, and then added. "If you want."

"I'd love that." Youngjae replied, with a soft smile. And Jaebum instantly felt better, especially when the younger one laid his head on his shoulder and clung around his arm. A few minutes passed, with them just sitting on the sand, staring off into the sunset.

"We should go somewhere soon. Take a couple of weeks off." Jaebum said.

"Okay."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere, hyung. It's up to you." The younger one shrugs.

"No, you choose." 

"I just need you hyung, anywhere is fine as long you're there." Youngjae replied, and Jaebum felt he needed to ask again, to make sure the younger one understands that he have a choice, but decided that he'd do it later. 

"We'll... talk about this later, yeah?" He asks, looking at the younger one in the eye.

"Yeah, later." The younger one replied with a nod, and both of them knew it wasn't just a talk about the trip. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a direction now (somewhat) so yayyy
> 
> Comments please, if you have any questions at all or just anything really :D They keep me going definitely~


	11. Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd SOZ

"Youngjae, you're being ridiculous." His sister sighed.

"Of course I am." He snorted, refusing to turn around from his desk.

"Why are you doing these things? She have enough things to worry about, you know that." His sister chided and he felt a pang of guilt. 

"I never asked her to worry." He replied childishly. 

"Are you serious?" She scoffed. "Stop throwing tantrums like you're goddamn five years old. Grow up, Youngjae." 

"Easy for you to say, you're just bloody perfect, aren't you?" 

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, forget it." He replied harshly, and pushed his chair back. Getting up and pushing himself out of the room, away from her. 

"Youngjae! Don't you dare just walk away from me." His sister yelled after him, gripping his arm. "What did you say?"

"You heard me!" He shouted back, pulling his arm away. "You don't understand what it feels like, I can't breathe when I'm inside this ratty house okay? I can't do nothing right, but you can't understand that, cause you're just perfect in everything! You can do no wrong, can you?" 

"Oh I'm such a misunderstood teenager. Nobody loves me, boo hoo." She imitated his voice mockingly. "Well cry me a freaking river Youngjae, and grow the hell up. News flash, you're not the only one who have it hard." 

"Shut up." He snapped, turning around and making his way to the front door. 

"Where do you think you're going? It's eight pm." 

"None of your business."

"I don't care, but mum does. At least tell her, you idiot." She said.

"Well she's not here now is she?" He asked mockingly. 

"Yeah, cause she's working her ass off to feed your spoilt ass." She replied coldly before stomping off to her room, leaving Youngjae in the hallway with one shoe in hand. He stood there for a couple of minutes, slowly calming himself down. He knows whatever she had said was true, and he hated himself for acting this way. But sometimes he'd get so angry that all he sees is red and when that happens nothing else matters anymore. 

 

***

 

"I don't know what to do with your brother, I don't know why he's acting like this." He heard his mother said to his sister one night when he walked out of his room to get a glass of water. 

"He's just at that age, mum. Just a teenager." He heard his sister reply and he slowly tip toed to the little crack of the room's door where the two were in. 

"You didn't give me this hard time." His mum replied, and he felt horrible hearing it.

"Well, boys are different." His sister replied but it only made him feel worse, so he quickly walked back to his room, and jumped in bed. He reached out for his earphone and blasted music on full volume to drown out their voices, whatever he had just heard. To drown out his own sobs; to drown out his father's voice and the past. To drown out everything, so he can just sleep without worrying for once. 

It'll never be the same, would it? No matter what he's still a boy; just like their dad and his sister is a girl just like their mum. His sister is hardworking, like her. Strong willed, like her. Always so disciplined, like her. And he is just a boy, like him. Who likes to write, just like him. Who is stubborn and bullheaded like him. She never has to say it out loud, because he can see it in her eyes every time she looks at him. It's not perhaps, just utmost disappointment. Like a token of the past; where there was nothing but pain for her. 

And he grows up to be more and more like his father, the useless man that had abused her; that had abused them. Growing up he didn't really know what had happened but with age comes realisation. And all of it makes him hate it. Hate everything about it; hated the man that is unfortunately his own father. Hated the fact that his mum had forced herself to stay with him just for them. Hated that he didn't realise it sooner, and he absolutely hated the fact that he'll forever be the thing that ties them together, the thing that will forever remind her of that useless man.

 

***

 

_"I suppose, but I'm just worried that he's unhappy."_

_"Mum, it's just teenage angst, everyone goes through that."_

_"He needs someone he can relate to, he needs a dad. I tried, but it's just not the same is it?"_

_"Why're you even saying that? We're better off without him, you know that."_

_"Of course, honey. But I just wished I could do more for your brother. He was so small when it happened, one day he just stopped having a dad. Poor boy didn't even know what happened."_

_"He's grown up now, I'm sure he understands. Don't blame yourself over this mum, please."_

_"I know, I know. Talk to him, will you? He's so rarely home I don't even see him much. I guess it's just a boy's thing but I wish he'd talk to me more."_

_"Well maybe you should tell him that you actually do read his stories, he has his mind set that you hated it."_

_"I don't hate it, but it was writing that made your dad the way he was. Unsuccessful script after another unsuccessful script eventually made him into an alcoholic, and well, everything else that he was."_

_"It wasn't writing that made him that, mum. He was just a horrible person, that's all there is to it and Youngjae would never end up like that man."_

_"I know, I'm just worried. I've known your dad since we were kids you know. I've seen him when he first started to write. I don't want to feel this way, but it's just bringing up memories I wished I could just let go already."_

_"You should just tell Youngjae this. No one would blame you for feeling this way."_

_"Oh no, I can't do that; he'd only start feeling guilty and would stop writing. I don't want him to stop, so don't tell him, okay?"_

_"Mum-"_

_"Don't."_

_"Fine. Ugh, I guess I can see where Youngjae got his stubbornness from."_


	12. Settle

"What were you thinking?" Jaebum asks, once they've had food in their bellies and are now seated in front of each other at their dining table. 

"I don't know... I just didn't want to be here." Youngjae replied honestly, looking down at his coffee.

"Did... Did you really wanted to break up with me?" Jaebum asks, and Youngjae looked up at him apologetically. 

"At that time? Yeah." And Jaebum was surprised by that, thought that the younger one would've denied it,  _hoping_ that the younger one would've denied it.

"How about now?" Jaebum kept his voice as steady as he could even though his heart was breaking.

"No." Youngjae replied immediately but didn't continue, and Jaebum just kept quiet too, trying to figure out what that meant and what more to say. 

"What changed?" Youngjae went quiet again, remembering those three days he was away. All the things he thought about, all the feelings he had felt, the memories that played in his mind. 

"It wasn't better without you, it's only way worse." Youngjae admitted honestly, but it didn't ease off Jaebum. Instead it just made his skin crawl a little more, feeling uneasy.  

"What if it was? Would you had just never come back? Never call me again?" Jaebum asks, despite not wanting to. The wounded look Youngjae gave him was exactly what he wanted to avoid, but he couldn't be with Youngjae if the younger one didn't love him. As much as he loves the younger one, he don't think he could survive not knowing if one day Youngjae would just pack up and never come back. 

"Of course I would!" The younger one replied, and he meant it. Because he knows there is no better life without Jaebum. 

"Are you sure? Or did you just realise it after you've left?" Jaebum continued, wanting nothing more than to get to the bottom of this. To solve it and move on. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Did you leave _knowing_ you'd come back? Or did you just decided to come back once you've been out there and decided you didn't like as much as you'd thought?" And the question left Youngjae speechless because in all honesty he didn't know why he said those things. It's not like he was searching for a better person to be with, because he truly do believe no one could be better than Jaebum. When he left he wasn't thinking about the future, he wasn't out there looking for a better life for himself; he just needed a change. A small one. 

"I don't know." He replied with a whisper, looking up at Jaebum with teary eyes. "I don't know, hyung."

"How can you not know?"

"I'm just not sure... I don't know what was I thinking, I really don't know why I just left, I just felt like I needed to do it."

"Do you still love me?" Jaebum asks, voice cracking. He never thought he'd ever have to question Youngjae that but the younger one is saying things that he was afraid of hearing. 

"Of course I do!" Youngjae replied, reeling back like he had just touched fire. Looking at Jaebum like it was the most absurd thing he had heard in his life. 

"Are you happy with me, Youngjae-ah?" Jaebum asks softer now, tears slowly streams down his cheeks and it was breaking Youngjae's heart. "Or are you forcing yourself to stay with me?"

"Of course I'm happy." He replied monotonously. "I am!" He insisted when Jaebum just looked at him sceptically. 

"Who are  you trying to convince?" Jaebum replied, as realisation dawned upon him that maybe this is something way more serious that he had thought. 

"You... You _don't_ believe me?" Youngjae asks back, dumbfounded. 

"Like that's so hard to believe? You left me, Youngjae! And now you're telling me that you _meant_ it, not that it was a mistake but you _really_ meant it. What do you think would happen?" 

"But it was at _that_ time, hyung. I came back!" Youngjae explained. 

"Why?! Why did you feel that way at that time? How can I be sure that time won't come again?" Jaebum cried out, and the second he did Youngjae jumped off his seat and kneeled next to Jaebum's chair and pulled him into a hug. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered to Jaebum's neck, but the older one tried to pull away. 

"Tell me why." 

"I'm sorry, hyung. Please, don't cry." He apologised.

"Youngjae, why? What did I do wrong?" Jaebum asks, as Youngjae hugged him; not trying to pull away this time.  "Why did you leave me?" 

I don't know hyung." Youngjae replied, wiping Jaebum's tears away. "But I know that I love you, I really do. So much." He started to choke up. "Please believe me, hyung."

"Youngjae-ah. I love you." Jaebum replied, had always been too weak against Youngjae, especially when the younger one is sad. He knows he still need answers, but for now they both need time to think about it. And as much as Jaebum denies it to himself, he knows that he's helpless against Youngjae. That no matter what, the younger one's happiness is the only thing that matters to him, even if it means sacrificing his own.

So that's why it hurts him so bad when Youngjae left, because maybe the younger one has decided he's better off without him. And it had hurt because he would've let him go if the younger one had wished to. And even now, he needs to be sure if the younger one is truly happy with him, or if he's just something Youngjae had decided to _settle_ with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today much WOW


	13. Ego

"Hey, how are you?" Youngjae asked through the phone.

"Busy. And tired, I'm never asleep... like no one warned me kids are this _difficult_? These brats don't allow me to close my eyes even for a second, Youngjae-ah." His sister started rambling and it put a little smile on Youngjae's face, having missed hearing his sister's voice. 

"Don't talk about my niece and nephew like that." He playfully scolded her and she snorted. 

"Then come here and help your big sis look after your niece and nephew, yeah?"

"Jaebum and I are actually planning to come visit soon." He replied. 

"Really? When?" She asked. 

"I don't know, maybe next month? He needs to file for a leave at least a month beforehand... And I still have my deadline to meet. So we're not exactly sure yet." 

"Come here end of next month then, mum will be coming too." 

"Mum is back?" He asked, surprised. "Oh, then we shouldn't interrupt-"

"Youngjae." She sighed. "You're her son, you're my brother; why would you be interrupting _anything_?"

"I didn't mean it like that." He tried to save it but he could almost see his sister's eye-roll. 

"She misses you, you know. Like, a _lot_."

"I miss her too." He replied. But despite the honesty, couldn't ignore how stoic he sounded. 

"Then tell her that! God, I have enough things on my hand Youngjae, I can't add the both of you on top of it." His sister complained and he felt sorry. 

"That's why I said, we can just come another time."

"No. You're coming with Jaebum next month, and mum will be there too. End of story."

"I said-"

"End. Of. Story. Now excuse me while I go and stop my son from suffocating the kitten. Bye, Youngjae love you." She replied hurriedly before hanging up. 

 

Youngjae put the phone back on the coffee table and took a huge breath in. He's barely over the incident that happened with Jaebum, he don't think he could handle dealing with his mum so soon but knowing his sister; it's better to just listen to her. It wouldn't be too bad, he convinces himself. His sister will be there as a buffer; and in the worst case scenario Jaebum would be his escape route if their conversations becomes too heated. 

 _Or not_. Considering how quiet the other one had been lately. He had wanted to ask, but what other reason would it be if it's not his own fault, and selfishly - he knows - he's avoiding that conversation completely. Busying himself with his works. After that night, neither of them brought up the topic anymore, the reason he left but Youngjae knows they're not done with that.

Jaebum's been even busier with work lately, needing to finish all his workload before he can take the one week off. So thankfully, both of them hadn't had any time to actually talk about it again; though he knows Jaebum is still dying for the answers. As guilty as he felt however, he couldn't actually just go up to the other man and tell him everything, because he himself doesn't understand his own actions on that day. _Needing fresh air_ , is as good as he can explain it. And it's too vague even for him, so he doesn't blame Jaebum for questioning him more. 

He sighed and crawled on top of the couch, lying face down and willing himself to not think about any of this but he couldn't stop. Why must it all be so complicated? To the point that he don't understand what is going on in his own head. How does some people work their relationships so seamlessly; he wonders. He had written love stories after love stories, trying to picture his dream relationship but all of them would always end up broken, because a happy ending seems to be too unrealistic in his mind. He reads stories and watches movies where they never have to explain themselves because their lover would always just _gets_ it. Because they're soulmates.

Are soulmates even real? There's 7 billion people on earth and the idea of _a_ soulmate is just ludicrous to Youngjae. The thought that there's only _one_ person, out of the whole entire world that was _meant_ for him. He believe anyone could be his lover as long as they work for it. The thought of not having to explain himself and expecting Jaebum to just understand everything is honestly a dream, but it's ridiculous because he can't expect that much out of his lover when he can't even understand what is going on in his own head. 

But what if they're just not meant to be? What if there is someone out there that _would_ just understand him completely? He groaned and cursed at himself. _How can you do this to Jaebum hyung? He's been so good to you._

So Youngjae closes his eyes, and eventually fell asleep convincing himself that the probability of him having a happily ever after with Jaebum should be slightly higher that the chances of people actually having one soulmate for each of and every one.

 

***

 

"Youngjae, wake up." Jaebum shook the sleeping boy's shoulder after he took a quick shower.

"Hyung? Youngjae aksed groggily, slowly sitting up and blinking at the man in front of him.

"I bought dinner, eat some and go to sleep in the room. You'd hurt your back sleeping o the couch like this."

"What time is it?" Youngjae looks around, still dazed with sleep. 

"It's almost nine, I just got him and took a shower. I still have work to do, so I'm just going to finish it before I go to sleep." Jaebum said, already making his way towards his office; a small guest room they've managed to show a desk, their shelf of books and a computer in.

"How about dinner?" Youngjae asked, but Jaebum didn't reply and Youngjae told himself that the elder probably didn't hear him rather than avoiding him on purpose. So he made his way to the dining table, and took out the dish that Jaebum had bought him and he felt slightly better, because he had bought him his favourites. Nora like usual, came and start purring next to him, demanding for food and that's how he spent his night, before going to bed. 

 

***

 

Jaebum heard their bedroom door closes before stepping out of his office to make himself a mug of coffee. It's true that he had been packed with work lately, but that's not all to it. He's just not ready to confront Youngjae yet. Even though he wants all the answers, he's scared he'll spook the younger one into running away again. He highly doubt the younger one would do it, but that was also how convinced he was a month ago that YOungjae wouldn't just walk out. So he can't help the feeling of relief that overcomes his body every night he returns from the office to see the younger one still there, even when he tell himself that _of course_ Youngjae would still be there.  

He also notices how brighter the younger one had been ever since that night, a little too bright even. Making the efforts to talk to him and reach out, but the childish side of him, or the ego decided that he's not ready to just forgive the younger one like that. It's not okay for the younger one to think that he'd just respond to his extended hand and everything would return back to how it used to be. So he shrugged the younger one off and every time he gives the younger one cold shoulder, a pathetic side of him felt somewhat comforted. A silly attempt at _payback_.

But as always, he'd feel horrible right after. When their eyes meet and the younger one looks so dejected. And that's when Jaebum will retreat to his office and busies himself with work to drown out the guilt. 

But he don't want to be guilty, because he don't think he's in the wrong at all. It was Youngjae that had left him with no notice, and coming back when he wanted to without even once considering what he might feel. And he's upset, rightfully so he thinks, and all that bitterness just seeps out more and more daily. But - as always -  the slightest frown on Youngjae's face would have him reeling way back and the guilt would instantly eat up his ego. So he just avoids the younger one, until he calms himself down and is ready to be around the younger one again without the urge to say something spiteful just for a payback. 

Jaebum sighed into his coffee, and leaned back on the couch that he was seated on. Whatever way this turns out, they better get over it soon because he is pretty sure whatever that is going on right now; this is _unhealthy_ , for the both of them. 


	14. Chapter 14

"Hyung?" Youngjae called out, as he entered Jaebum's home office. 

"Yeah?" Jaebum asked, without bothering to turn around. 

"Eat dinner with me." Youngjae replied, walking next to the man.

"I'm busy." Jaebum said to him, and continued doing his work and Youngjae had had enough. 

Over the week Jaebum had been distancing himself even more and Youngjae had tried everything he can to bring them back to how they used to be but nothing is working. No matter what he does, the older one would always ignore his extended hand and leave him rejected. And tonight, Youngjae just can't keep it in anymore. 

"What's wrong with you?" He asked impatiently and Jaebum finally turned around with a frown on his face. 

" _Excuse me?_ " 

"I asked, what's wrong with you? Why are you ignoring me?" Youngjae snapped and Jaebum just stared at him in shock. 

"I'm just doing my _job_ , Youngjae. Because we're going to your sister's house and I need to finish it by then. In case you've forgotten." Jaebum replied sarcastically. 

"You can just tell me you don't want to go." Youngjae replied back and Jaebum let out a humourless chuckle.

"I want to, that's why I said yes don't make it about that cause it's not and you know damn well it's not." 

"And you know damn well that I'm not just talking about your job." 

"What were you expecting Youngjae? That everything goes back to normal, like you never even left? Well you did!" 

"I thought we were over this?" Youngjae groaned. "I've apologised and I came back. What else do you want from me?" Youngjae started shouting back in frustration as he starts seeing nothing but red. 

"Exactly. _You_ thought we were over this. _You_ left. _You_ apologised and _you_ decided to come back. Did I even once cross your mind? What I think? How I feel? Everything is just about you, isn't it?" Jaebum sneered. 

"So what? You don't want me back? Is that it?" Youngjae asked, voice cracking as he try to keep his tears in. "So you hate me now?"

"You just don't get it do you?" Jaebum asked, standing up in front of the younger one. "You just don't." 

"Well if you were so upset over it why didn't you say anything? Why're you just ignoring me?"

"Honestly? Cause I'm scared you'd just run off again." Jaebum confessed, and Youngjae's heart dropped. Standing so close to the older one; he can see the fatigue in his eyes, the heavy eye bags. And he was the cause of this he thought to himself, he did this to Jaebum. 

"I'd never-" He replied, but couldn't finish the sentence without feeling guilty. They both know that's just not the truth anymore. 

"Yeah, I thought so too." Jaebum replied, and left the room. Youngjae let his walls down, and started to cry. Not for the first time, he feels like he's at a dead end again. Don't know what to do, don't know what to say to make it better. Jaebum deserve better than this, he knows it but he can't bring himself to leave him. Cause he don't want to. He'll always come back. And he knows it's ridiculous coming from him, and if anything he would want nothing more than to travel back in time and undo the things he did but he couldn't. 

 

***

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was --> <\-- this close to deleting this fic cause I just have 0 inspiration. I'm sorry readers, I really am. Just don't have expectations of this, so you don't get disappointed. In uninteresting news, my anxiety level had skyrocketed this past couple of months. And me being me, had avoided everything (my anxiety, responsibilities, this fic, etc.) under my bed. Until well, two days ago a friend threw a 21st bday party and I refused to go just cause I cannot deal with people right now. So I am that douche that avoids my own friends because I just feel my life sucked out of me just thinking about a crowd. And yes, I've been a hermit at home just to avoid, you guessed it- people. So now my friends hate me, I hate me and you guys would probably too, not that I'd blame anyone tbh.


	15. Indifference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un beta'd

Jaebum entered their home with a sigh, tired of the heavy feeling looming in the air. The comfort the house once provided him are now non existent, gone the day Youngjae left; and somehow remained gone even when he returned. Countless times he tried to just let it go, maybe he's the one who's halting their relationship, not Youngjae or the fact that he left. He could see how Youngjae had been trying to reach out, and if his ego is not so big, he'd reach out half way. But he can't help but feel cheated on. Not literally, but in the terms of their relationship being boyfriends. 

In any relationship, trust is the main thing. More than love even, because love is always there, and it's uncontrollable. You fall for someone without trying and it's easier to accept when someone falls out of love with you, become uninterested because there's no helping it. It hurts, but logically, Jaebum could understand it. People not only fall out of love with other people, they fall out of love with daily things as well. With their hobbies, with the movies that becomes overplayed. Because people are fickle things, they change and their interests changes as well. 

But to break someone's trust, it's a decision. You have to decide something and go forth with it, _knowing_ that you are breaking the trust. It's something that you can decide, and when Youngjae _decided_ to left, everything else is a part of it as well. Youngjae knew what he was doing was hurting him, and he left anyway. And that hurt, because he never once thought it could happen, but it did. Maybe it's not a big deal, because Youngjae did come back and honestly Jaebum was happy, is happy that he came back but now there's this gaping hole that was created in Jaebum and it didn't just disappear when Youngjae came back. And he don't know what to do to make it disappear. 

 

"You're home." Youngjae said, and Jaebum turned to look at him emerging out of the bedroom with bed hair and clothes all wrinkled up, clearly waking up from a nap. 

"Yeah." He replied, and just stood there looking at his boyfriend, thoughts still running in his head. 

"Have you eaten dinner?" Youngjae asked, noticing that Jaebum wasn't carrying any packed food.

"No, I actually forgot to buy some. I'll just go now." 

"Wait, do you mind waiting for me?" 

"For?"

"I thought we can just eat out." Youngjae continued and the delayed response from Jaebum was only increasing the awkwardness. "If you don't mind that is."

"No, yeah sure. I'll wait." Jaebum went to sit on the couch and turned on the television. 

"I'll just take five minutes." Youngjae mumbled before rushing to the bathroom. 

 

The second Youngjae was out of sight, Jaebum exhaled loudly, feeling the awkward tension slowly dissipating now that he is alone again. He started flipping through the channels until he landed on a music channel and a familiar tune caught his attention. It's because he came up with it, a birthday gift he prepared for Yugyeom. And of course, Yugyeom appeared not soon after singing a song that he's not familiar with the lyrics with, but that tune was definitely his. The lyrics are about a cheesy star crossed lovers, but by he way the fans are screaming when Yugyeom smiled into the camera convinced him that it doesn't really matter if the song doesn't even have lyrics, they'll love it just the same. 

Not that it matters, ultimately. If the music is good, and can be related with even without words that only makes it better doesn't it? That could've been him right now, on that stage but life is funny sometimes, how unpredictable it is. The song ended and Yugyeom bowed tot he crowd,  before the interviewer came up on stage and they started talking. 

_"That was a great song Yuyeom-shi."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Is this one of the songs you have worked on the past year? For the new album?"_

_"No, actually. This song is pretty old but I just found the perfect lyrics for it recently."_

_"Oh, what made you decide to use this song after so long keeping it?"_

_"Like the lyrics, it's about these two people that fell in love, and due to the things surrounding them it just didn't work out. They're still in love, but sometimes you need more than that, but it's easier to give up, isn't it? And for the longest time I thought the opposite of love is hate. But I'm wrong. And like most of our songs, all of us in the band writes mainly from our life experience and well... this song is just another one."_

_"Are you saying this is from a recent romantic interest, Yugyeom-shi?"_

_"Not at all." He chuckled. "Not all love have to be romantic, you know."_

_"Ah, indeed. Coming back to something you said earlier; about hate not being the opposite of love. What makes you say so?"_

_"For me, I think love and hate are very similar actually. I used to think that the only reason someone could fall out of love is if they were to grow annoyed of it, start to hate it but it's not true. Both love and hate shares passion. Whether you love or hate something, you'd think about it. You spend your time and emotions invested in it."_

_"So what do you think is the opposite of love, if not hate?"_

_"Indifference. Not caring, whether it's love or hate, both emotions are non existent to someone who's feeling indifferent. Because I would rather be hated on, at least I still matter enough to not be forgotten."_

_"You would rather get hated on? Don't you think that would hurt too much, Yugyeom-shi? To be hated by someone you love?"_

_"Of course, but being ignored hurts too. And personally speaking, I think it'd hurt more. To be in love once, and for it to grow to hate... The passion is still there. It could change back to love easily I think. But to be forgotten, that's it. That person just doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care about what you two had, doesn't care about the relationship and doesn't care about what would happen to you."_

_"And why does this need to be the old song you had, rather than just making a new one?"_

_"Because I used to hate it actually. Well, it's a really long story but...  Like I said, hate can turn back to love, as long as there was no indifference."_

 

 

"Hyung? Are you ready?" Youngjae said, as he stepped on of the bathroom all dressed up. 

"Youngjae-ah?" Jaebum called out.

"Yeah?" Youngjae said, and made his way to the couch and was shocked to see his boyfriend crying. " _Hyung?!_ "

"Let's break up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Plot. I'm cringing reading back that hot mess of a commentary I added at the last chapter. Really appreciate the comments tho <3 Just wanna add, that I'm OK. Like I'm for the most part am OK. Just have extra rough days, or weeks sometimes and that day happened to be one of them I suppose. But all in all, I guess I am OK. Also I'd promise longer word count, but I suck at keeping promises. So for now, I shall try x


	16. Ignore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forever unbeta'd

"You're being childish, both of you." Youngjae shook his head. 

"You don't understand, plus he's your boyfriend. Of course you'll agree with whatever he's saying." Bam replied. Yugyeom is still sitting in the corner, twirling his guitar pick in between his fingers, a nervous tick. 

"Can't you see where he is coming from? Like seriously. You don't have to agree with whatever he's doing, but you two are acting like it's the craziest thing ever to do." 

"Because it is! We talked about the future of the band probably even more than we actually talk about anything other than our music. We shared ideas, we all shared the same passion and we were going to make it. I was so confident in us that I stopped everything. You out of all people know that. I put all my time in this band." Yugyeom snapped.

"You still have a band! You guys are writing music now too, it's not like they took the band with them." Youngjae argued. 

"It's not just about the band, it's them. How easy it is for them to throw it away." 

"That's the thing though, it wasn't easy for them. All of them feel sorry and you guys aren't making it any better." 

"Well they didn't care to think about how we'd feel." Bam frowned. 

"Yes they did! You know how long Jaebum hyung was contemplating over this. They were in this since the beginning too, just because you two are confident enough, doesn't mean that they're horrible people just because they're worried about their future." 

"Don't you think we're worried too, hyung?" Yugyeom scoffed. "That's the whole point. Which teenager isn't scared of the future, about leaving their nest? We were not going to be just like every other teenager, we were gonna be different. Make way for others so they can do something that they want too, not just follow society blindly."

"It's not as easy as you think it'd be."

"I never said it was!" Yugyeom shouted. "I know it's going to be heard, extremely but at least we'll have each other. When I fought with my parents, I used to look forward to our band practices cause these are 4 other people that got me, understand me more than anyone else. What do you think my parents would say now? If they were to know the very people I fought against them for doesn't even believe in this anymore? This band, our idea. Why was I fighting so hard?" The younger one teared up.

"Gyeom-ah..." Bam went to his side, and rubbed his back as he broke down.

"So don't tell me I'm over reacting." He sobbed. "They're the ones that left us. I get a right to be upset." 

 

 

***

 

"You should go and see them, Youngjae." Jackson pouted and Mark just hummed an agreement.

"It's not like I didn't try. It's been months, if they want me there, they'd stop avoiding me." Youngjae replied with a frown.

"Let them do what they want, in the end we're the ones who left." Jaebum said, rubbing Youngjae's back in comfort.

"The band, not them." Jackson argued. 

"Apparently it's both or nothing to them." Youngjae grumbled. 

"We can always go to one of their gigs, it's not like they can avoid us there." Jaebum replied and Jackson instantly lit up.

"You're right! Why didn't I think of that? I'll call up Kwon, see if he's still allowing them to play at his place." 

"Are you sure? I mean if they don't wanna see us then..." Mark quipped and Youngjae agreeing bitterly, still upset at how the two are blatantly ignoring him. 

"We'll just watch them perform and well, just see how that goes." Jackson said.

"If you say so, hyung." Youngjae said. 

 

***

 

"What are you guys doing here?" Yugyeom said coldly, in the room backstage provided for them and the equipment. 

"You don't have to be so rude, we're still older than you." Youngjae snapped. 

"We're just here to see you guys perform, Yugyeom-ah." Jaebum smiled, pulling Youngjae close to him and squeezing his arm. 

"We're still worried about you two, you know." Mark said, and Bam seemed to loosed up more.

"Well, what did you think of the songs?" He said and Jackson instantly lit up.

"It's great! Especially the last song, can't believe you even rapped the last bit." Jackson replied and continued talking to BamBam. Yugyeom excused himself, saying how he need to talk to the other band members. Jaebum and Mark joined BamBam's conversation as well, and it was nice to see them talk again, thought Youngjae. He had always suspected that it was Yugyeom the one that had wanted to ignore them so badly, and Bam just following him as always. 

He waited for a few minutes for Yugyeom to return but seeing how he's not, Youngjae decided to go out and look for him. As much as he's still a little sulky, Yugyeom had been his friend for years after all, and had been there for him during all those time that he had argues with his mom. And it's upsetting that yugyeom is fine with ignoring him like this, when he's not even a part of the band to begin with. He was just trying to mend his and the hyungs relationship after all. So he left the room to find Yugyeom talking to his band members, laughing over something. 

"Yugyeom-ah, can I talk to you for a second?" Youngjae asked softly.

"Yeah?" Yugyeom replied, just turning his head slightly to look at him. 

"Privately. I mean." And at that the others left, even when Yugyeom told them it's fine. 

"Well?" Yugyeom said, when Youngae didn't say anything. 

"Why are you ignoring me?" Youngjae said, inching closer to the younger one. 

"I'm not."

"Yes you have. Anyone can see that." Youngjae snapped.

"Well I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" He replied coolly, a bored look on his face. 

"Why're you so rude to me? I'm not even in your stupid band." Youngjae retorted angrily, getting annoyed real fast with the attitude Yugyeom is throwing him. 

"Exactly, so top acting like you know everything."

"I did not-"

"Yes you did. You blindly defended them, when you weren't even in the band. You didn't know what I felt like, and that hurts you know? I was the one who introduced you to them in the first place." Yugyeom spat bitterly, and Youngjae was taken aback, hasn't seen it in that way at all. 

"Well, you still could've just talked it out with me. What good would ignoring me bring?" 

"I tried okay? But you don't think about what I feel, you just think you know everything. And well I don't see the point of keep talking to a wall."

"Of course I care about what you feel!" Youngjae defended himself.

"Oh my god." Yugyeom laughed. "You're not even listening right now, it's incredible." He shook his head, causing Youngjae to flush in embarrassment. 

"I'm done trying, you're just being an asshole." Youngjae growled. 

"Typical isn't it? When have you ever confronted anything anyway?" Yugyeom replied with a scoff, and the next thing he knows is that he's on the floor with Youngjae on top of him, grabbing him by the collar. And just a split second later, Youngjae seemed to realise what he's doing and his eyes widened in shock. "Hyung...?" Yugyeom said softly, not used to Youngjae being physical at all. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry Yugyeom-ah." Youngjae started tearing up and mumbling, getting off the younger one. Yugyeom felt his heart drop at the sight, and tried to calm the other one down.

"Hyung, it's fine, you didn't do anything." He said, rubbing his back to stop him from crying but he can see that the older one is not even listening. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Youngjae sobbed, and that's when Jaebum came rushing to his side, pushing Yugyeom away. 

"Youngjae? Jae-ah why are you crying?" He hugged the sobbing boy, but hearing no reply he turned to glare at Yugyeom, who's still feeling shocked at Youngjae's sudden breakdown. "What did you do to him?!" Jaebum shouted. 

"I- I didn't do anything hyung!!" He stammered a reply. "I s-swear." 

 


	17. Noted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for grammar and spelling errors 

"What are we even doing?" Jaebum continued, looking at Youngjae with tears streaming down his face. 

"Hyung, stop. Please, I don't want to break up." Youngjae replied, heart beating faster by the second. 

"You sure?" Jaebum snorted. "Next thing you'll say you don't know anymore. So let's just end it now, before it gets worse." 

"Don't you love me anymore?" Youngjae asked, feeling hurt. And Jaebum actually laughed out at that, humorlessly. 

"I love you Youngjae. God knows I love you so fucking much but I can't carry on like this. It feels miserable." 

"B-but I'm back- I thought we were moving on an-" Youngjae stammered for a reply.

"I tried, no, we tried. But you'd be lying if you say you don't notice the tension. We barely talk." Jaebum said. 

"And who's fault is that? Every bloody night you'd just go straight to your damn office and I won't even see you the next morning cause you leave to work so early!" Youngjae shouted. 

"And whenever we talk it'll just end up like this, in a fight. Aren't you tired? Cause I'm exhausted." Jaebum sighed, leaning back against the couch and covered his face with his arm, silently crying. 

"Hyung, please..." Youngjae begged, after a minute of utter silence. He moved to sit next to Jaebum and pried open his hands away to look him in the eye. "I love you too hyung, breaking up is the last thing I want. And I know you're tired, and I swear I'll do anything to help you hyung, please let me help you." Jaebum just stared at him vacantly, and Youngjae was about to continue begging but Jaebum opened his mouth. 

"Why did you leave then? Tell me why you really left." 

"I- I told you, I don't know..." Youngjae whispered a reply, tears started forming in his eyes as well. 

"That's what I thought." Jaebum snapped, and stood up. "It's over."

"Hyung!" Youngjae yelled, grabbing his arm. "Don't please, don't..." He cried.

"I begged you too, I begged you to stay too." Jaebum replied, letting his arm dangle by his side.

 

 

*** 

 

"I'll leave soon, so you don't have to-" Jaebum said, not looking up from his cup of coffee.

"No, I'll move out. You paid more for the lease anyway." Youngjae replied solemnly. 

"Doesn't matter, I sa-" Jaebum continued but Youngjae cut him off.

" _It's fine._ I'll move out by the end of the week." 

"You have your deadline to meet, you can't be handling your move. So just stay here." 

"You don't care, don't act like you care." Youngjae said bitterly.

" _What?_ "

"If you do care you wouldn't break up with me, so stop acting like you're thinking about me." Youngjae snapped, looking defyingly at Jaebum. 

"We're over this-" Jaebum sighed.

"No, I never agreed to this. You were giving me shit for weeks for just leaving and deciding things by myself but here you are doing the same thing. What a joke." He laughed sarcastically. 

" _Why? Angry?_ " Jaebum snapped. "Doesn't feel nice to be treated like shit does it? Well now you know." Jaebum said sharply, before leaving for work, And Youngjae just watched him go with his mouth hanging open. That was not Jaebum, Jaebum was never bitter and spiteful, he is never so cold. Jaebum always had put him first, Jaebum would've never broke up with him. 

 

 

***

 

"You're drunk." Youngjae said, the second Jaebum entered the living room.

"No I'm not."

"I can smell the alcohol."

"Yeah well I just drank a little." Jaebum snapped.

"You never drink." Youngjae commented.

"Well I've been experiencing a lot of things I never thought I would recently." Jaebum replied. "You should know that of course." He added nonchalantly. 

"Ah yes, I'm the mean disgusting person that left you, it didn't matter that I come back, apparently me having a weak moment means I'm just a shit person. God forbids I can't be strong all the time." Youngjae barked. 

"You never said that!" Jaebum shouted, a little tipsy and no where near as composed as he'd be sober. "You didn't say anything to me, you just said you don't know." 

"Cause I don't! I don't know why I needed to leave that day, I don't have a reason as to why I get sad sometimes, I don't!" 

"You never said you were sad, you never said you felt weak. Don't you get it? You never said anything to me, how am I supposed to know?" Jaebum replied sounding a little defeated. 

"So you just break up with me? Even when I told you I loved you and begged you not to. Isn't it obvious what I feel?" Youngjae replied, voice cracking and tears threatening to fall; more of anger than sadness this time. And Jaebum just looked at him, studying him up and down almost. 

"You always have these expectations you know?" Jaebum started to speak, as he sat on the couch; not even looking at Youngjae. "I don't know if you even realise it but you always set these standards. To your work, to yourself, your mum and even me, maybe? That's why you're always typing away from morning till night cause even when it's done it's just not good enough. You've always felt guilty to your mum but you never do shit to build a relationship with her cause you just don't think it'll be good enough. And I try, I try to always be there but sometimes it feels like I'm not meeting your expectations. That day you left, I thought it was for good, Youngjae." 

"I- I don't have any expectations for you." Youngjae whispered, protecting himself. "I didn't leave because you did something wrong, hyung. I didn't leave because of you." 

"But I wasn't enough of a reason for you to stay either, was I? Maybe that's the problem, you don't expect anything from me. You don't think I'll say or do anything other than the usual and I admit I've been busy. But you could've said something to me, not just disappear." 

"Hyung..." Youngjae sobbed, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to comfort his lover, past lover. 

"You should think of what you want Youngjae, and just go for it. I won't hold you back anymore." Jaebum said, and left to his office, leaving Youngjae crying in the living room. 

 

***

 

"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't had brought up your mum, that was uncalled for." Jaebum apologised, when they ran into each other in front of the bathroom. 

"It's fine." Yougjae replied quickly, and turned to leave. 

"I'll be staying at a hotel." Jaebum said, stopping Youngjae in his track. "So don't wait up for me." 

"I told you, I'll leave soon enough, you can't even bear to see me for a few more days?" Youngjae said, hurt evident in his voice. 

"It'll be easier if you stay here, that's all." Jaebum replied as stoic as he could, refusing to let his emotion run free again. 

"Fuck! Stop acting high and mighty!" Youngjae shouted, turning to push Jaebum away causing said man to stumble back as he was caught off guard. "I'm not some damsel in distress!"

"What's wrong with you?" Jaebum replied sharply, glaring at Youngjae. "I never said you were one!" 

"I left, and it hurt you! I've apologised, I know it was wrong. You wanted a reason, and when I said there was none you just couldn't accept it. Why? Why must there be a reason?! You're so obsessed with it that you're fucking leaving me because of it. Which is the same reason as to why you're pissed of with me to begin with! But no, you're not me are you? You're better than me so of course you have to say you love me. Of course you're the one who's leaving the house to me. Of course I'm the reason for us breaking up even when it's you who called it quits!" 

"ME?! I called it quits? You quit the second you left! And you're in so much denial you can't even admit that you're wrong. What the fuck Youngjae? Loving you is wrong now? Wanting to help you is wrong?!" Jaebum shouted, losing his temper. 

"How is breaking up with me helping anyone?!" 

"I tried to help you, but you closed off. Keep saying there's no reason and keep pushing me away. You just expect me to stay here, and not say anything? Not feel anything?" 

"I'm not pushing you away! God!" Youngjae yank his hair in frustration. "You keep seeing me as this problematic person that need help when I don't! When I say nothing it doesn't mean I'm hiding something, it just means there is nothing to say but that's just so hard for you to get. You said that I'm the one that have to make everything about me? No, that's _you_. You think you have to be the reason I left. Even when I say it's not. You think you're holding me back? _You're not that special_!"  Youngjae shouted in almost hysterics. Jaebum looked at him with a frown, and obvious hurt on his face.

"Noted." He whispered, and left before Youngjae could take back his words. 

 

***

 

_"Youngjae??" His sister opened the door, surprised to see him there. "What happened? Why're you crying?"_

_"Noona, I did something horrible..."  Youngjae cried, as hiss sister pulled him into a hug. He can hear his brother in law asking the kids to go to their room but he couldn't control his tears at the moment._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it and it wasn't too confusing~ Like I said, being very experimental with this fic.


	18. Undeserving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd

It has been a few days since he is back to his hometown, staying in his sister's house and for the most part he had just spent it moping in the spare bedroom he's staying in. He cried to his sister the first day he arrived, but had yet to tell her what had happened; all she knows is that they had broken up. So for the first time, he's actually out to the beach, taking fresh air in and mostly just to avoid his mum's arrival. She'll be there when he returns of course, but he'd rather spend as little time as possible, having enough of a headache as it is. 

The words Jaebum told him in their fight was somewhat true, if not absolutely. Growing up, he just avoided his mum because of growing pains, isn't it normal for a child to rebel in their teen years? But as time passed, the rift just grew further and further apart and he did nothing to save it.  Just keep casting it aside until the only time he speaks to his mum is whenever they're both at his sister's place. 

It's a coping mechanism, he had convinced himself to make it hurt less. The guilt that made him feel this way, even though it's not his fault that he is his father's son. Now that he's older he wished he could've returned to the past and shook himself out of the pure ignorance. It all started with a childish naiveness after all. One day your dad is there the next his not, he blamed it on her. 

He didn't want to, but his dad had been nice, as much as he was abusive. Now he cant' remember half of it, just bits and pieces of them laughing together so blurry it seems to happen a lifetime ago. Knowing how much his dad had hurt his dad made his blood boil, wondering why does this happen to them, their family. Also why didn't she leave earlier? 

As a child he couldn't understand the complexity of it all, he just saw her as being stupid, for not leaving him sooner. But that's only to cover the guilt and knowledge of knowing that he is the reason she stayed. Her kids, they're the reason why she stayed with that man. And it disgust him to the core to know that he is the cause of it. Of course it's not that simple either, but he was just a child; children don't really think much, they just do, and they just feel. 

When he did get older enough to know that ultimately her leaving him is the best thing that could've happened to any of them, even though it's a little late but better late than never. When he is old enough to know better, he was also old enough to be self conscious. Growing older and older, looking more and more like his old man, the same man that abused her. 

He could've swore what started it was the looks his mum would give him, the way he can't seem to read the emotions running in her eyes every time she stares at him when she thought he wasn't looking. He can't really remember it now, maybe he had even imagined it? But that was what started the drift. The unplaced feeling of utter guilt. Maybe it was fear in those eyes? Maybe looking at him made her relive all those moments she had with him. 

Youngjae sighed deeply and stared into the vastness of the sea, feeling a little too melancholic looking into something so beautiful, and not for the first time in his life, feeling so undeserving of it all. 

 

***

 

"Go say hi to her." His sister hissed the second he entered the house, pointing to the dining room where he can hear the loud chatters. He made his way there slowly, and everyone stopped talking the second he entered. 

"Youngjae! We've been waiting for you!" His mother's new husband said after a second too long, a second too awkward. 

"Hi, hi mum." He said, bowing his greeting. 

"Youngjae-ah-" His mum started talking but hearing her voice made the floodgates open again, and before he break down right then and there, he excused himself. 

"I'll be in my room, sorry I'm not feeling well." He then left straight to his room, not without passing by his sister and see the look of disappointment in her eyes. 

The second he reached his bed, he just started crying. And at that point he don't even know what for, why he feels so miserable, but he did and all he wanted to do was cry and drown in his tears. He did it again, pushed his mum aside, doing it so naturally like it's next to breathing at this point. Disappointing everyone, yet again. He can hear the chatters slowly getting louder again from downstairs, and he want to be there as well. Wants a smile on his face but it's hard, his anxiety stopping himself from just putting on a thick face and walk downstairs, pull his mum into a hug and move on forward with his life. The worse part is that he knows it's up to him to decide what he wants and have to do, but he can't bring himself to do it, and he just cry his frustrations out. 

 

***

 

"Hello?"

"..."

"Hello?... Youngjae?"

" _I'm sorry._ " He sobbed into the phone. 

"Hey, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" Jaebum asked, getting worried. 

"It's my mum." He managed to say in between sobs. "I'm sorry for calling y-you... I know we're done but-"

"It's okay, Youngjae-ah. Tell me what happened. Why're you crying?" Jaebum asked softly.

"Y-you're right,.. It's all my fault hyung, and I don't know why I'm even crying... I was the one who pushed her away..." Youngjae said solemnly, trying his hardest to stop crying but failing. 

"No. _God, no_ Youngjae. I'm sorry okay? That's not what I meant, it's not all your fault-" Jaebum started rambling but Youngjae just cried harder, cutting the man off. 

"N-No, you're right... I walked away hyung, _again_. It is my fault, everything is.. I shouldn't had come back."

"Youngjae, _baby..._ listen to me, they love you, they  _want_ you there okay? I know it's hard, but you can do it. Even if it takes time okay, baby?" Jaebum comforted him and Youngjae just cried harder at the pet name he haven't heard in a while. 

"Then why don't _you_ want me?" He blurted out without thinking and regretted it immediately. Jaebum wanted to break up, he'd been selfish enough already to call him like this, he can't keep dragging Jaebum down. " _Shit_ sorry, I didn't mean that-"

"Youngjae-"

"I have to go."Youngjae blurted out before hanging up the phone. His heart is racing, and finally he did stop crying, only to have his anxiety clawing at him.

 

Few minutes later, once he had calmed down a little, he left to the washroom for a quick rinse to cool himself down. A quick rinse turns out to be a long bath however, wanting all the knots in his muscle to loosen and for his mind to wind down a little. It's been a long day, and he is simply exhausted. Once he's done, he just stood in front of the mirror and took a clear look of his face; the eye bags under his eyes, the hollowness in his eyes and just pure exhaustion etched on his skin, before entering back into his room only to see his sister standing by the bed, looking at his pillow. 

"Noona-"

"Youngjae-ah, have you been crying?" 

"What? Of course not." He snapped, trying to lie though from the look on her face he don't even know why he bothered trying. 

"Jaebum just called. He told me everything."

" _Oh._ " He noticed the look of anger on her face and thought that she was being mad at Jaebum, so he tried to defend him. "Noona, it's not his fault."

"What?" She asked, a little surprised. 

"I don't blame him." Youngjae shrugged. 

"Obviously, I'm asking you what as in what the hell were _you_ thinking?" Youngjae's sister yelled frustratedly. "You left him and came back with no explanation, what did you think were gonna happen?"

"I-It's not like I don't want to give him an explanation, I just have none." Youngjae replied a little belatedly, wasn't expecting her to yell at him. "I don't know what to say, I just.. There's no reason." Youngjae defended himself. 

"No reason." She scoffed. "There's always a reason, you're just too dumb to admit it.

"Well what is it then since you're so smart?" He shouted back, already feeling on edge after the whole day, he don't need to this to add on to that. 

"How the hell would _I_ know, you're the one that ditched your boyfriend, not me." She argued. 

"Some things just happen okay, with no reason."

"You decided this though Youngjae, you left. And before you start trying to convince me there's no reason, think about first. Don't you feel bad for Jaebum?"

"Of course I do!" He snapped, a little offended that she even had to ask him that. "But I have thought about it, trying to come up with something, but... my mind is just blank."

"You're just lying to yourself."

"No I'm not-"

" _Youngjae!_ " She shouted, shutting him up. "Stop trying to argue with everyone that wants to help you for god's sake!" And Youngjae had the decency to look guilty, and was about to reply when the room burst open.

"Stop it." His mother said sharply. "I can hear you two shouting from the living room, your kids can hear you! _What is going on?_ "

 


	19. Penultimate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> un beta'd

"Can I come in?" He heard his mum ask, and he just kept quiet. The room is dark, but the street light has sneaked in enough that he can see her figure entering, and walking towards him. She had a glass of milk in one hand, a book in the other. "I know you're not sleeping." 

"I was about to." He replied childishly, and moved aside so she can take a sit. 

"I heard you broke up with your boyfriend." She said and he just sighed. 

"It's nothing big, just happened." 

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No." He replied sharply.

"Youngjae-" 

"I know she already told you all there is to know about anyway, so why bother?" He snapped.

"Because I want it to hear it from you, what _your_ side of the story was." 

"If you're asking me why I left, I've said it before I don't have one." 

"i'm not asking you that, I just want to know what happened. From your perspective." His mum coaxed him, and after a few seconds of silence he relented. 

"I left him. I literally packed my clothes and walked out the door, gave him no explanation, no plan for the next day, no nothing; and I just walked away. At that moment, it made sense. I don't know how or why, but at that moment, that seemed to be the right thing to do, the only thing to do. But I left, and days passed and I wasn't so sure anymore..." He explained. 

"Did... did he hurt-" 

"No!" Youngjae cut her off immediately. "Oh god- _No_ , not at all, I didn't leave because he was... He didn't hurt me." He saw his mum sighed in relief. 

"So you returned to him." She said, and he nodded. 

"He picked me up, and I thought it'd be back to normal again, but it didn't. So, it ended." He shrugged. 

"And you're saying you have no reason at all as to why you leave?" She asked and he shrugged. 

"Maybe-" She continued but he stopped her. 

"Stop, you don't have to crack me open. There's no maybe this maybe that, there's simply no reason."

"That doesn't make sense, does it, Youngjae? And you know it doesn't."

"Life don't make sense. Not everything have to make sense."

"But it does. Maybe we don't have the exact reasoning for everything that happens in life, but it does have to make sense. Accepting everything that happens to you without questioning anything is not good." She insisted. 

"Well I've questioned myself enough, and nothing came out of it, okay?" 

"Isn't that why you left then? Because you couldn't find any reason to stay?"

"What? That's not it at all!" He replied sharply. 

"It's okay, Youngjae-ah. It's not your fault." She tried to calm him down but he pushed away from her. 

"Stop! It's not what you think, there's nothing wrong with Jaebum hyung, he didn't push me away, _I_  am the one who left. It _is_ my fault."

"Don't say that."

"Look, you don't know what happened, so you don't get to tell me that. It's my fault, and you don't have to comfort me, I know it's my fault. And Jaebum is not dad, he didn't do anything wrong, _it is my fault_." He cried out and his mum just stared at him a little stricken. " Just leave."

"That's not what I meant Youngjae." She tried to explain but he was having none of it. 

"You're comforting the wrong person. I'm the asshole okay, not the one need saving. I'm nothing like you, if anything I'm just..." His voice cracked. "If anything, I'm just like dad." And he started crying at the realisation. 

"Youngjae-ah..." She looked at him, heartbroken at the sight in front of her; trying to pull him in for a hug. "You're nothing like your father." 

"Don't lie to me." He replied, looking straight at her. 

"Youngjae-ah what-" 

"I am everything like him! I know you think so, so don't lie to me telling me that I'm not. I even look like a carbon copy of him for christ sake." 

"Your dad was an abusive drunk, Youngjae. And you're nothing like that, I could never think of you like that, you'e my son! I'm always so proud of you, and I love you so much, so don't even for a second think you're anything like an abusive drunk." 

"I can always see the way you look at me okay! Whenever I write something, you'd be reminded of him and you'd have this look of agony in your eyes, not that I blame you I suppose. Well I'm sorry I remind you so much of him, the man that ruined your life. I'm sorry you had to live everyday looking at the cause of your suffering, I've never said anything cause of my pride, but it's not like I have that now do I?" He laughed bitterly. "Stop comforting me because you have to, because you're my mother. You always thought of me of father, and well I guess you're right, I really am just like him after all." 

"I've never said-" She tried to explain but he interrupted her. 

"You didn't have to say it out loud. It was loud and clear enough." 

"Why didn't you say anything? If that's how you felt, how could you not say anything?!" She shouted at him. "I'm your mother! I could never blame you, you and your sister are the only things that made my life worth living. You two are the only ones that made me felt better, how could you think I blamed you?" She teared up, and he felt like crying too.

"Then why did you... I saw the look in your eyes-"

"Of course you remind me of your father." She said, and he looked at her in shock. "But your father was more than what he did to me, your father was a wonderful man too, I fell in love with him after all. You remind of those part of him, and I'm sorry I didn't conceal my emotions better, Youngjae-ah. But I missed him you know? There was never a day I didn't wonder about how life would be like had he treated me differently. A part of me would always wonder that, because there's a part of me that still can't let go of him, those happy memories we had." She cried harder now, said memories filling her head. "The man you remembered was always drunk, but there was a time he was nothing like that." 

"Mom I-" 

"And it was hard, it was very hard to take care of you two by myself, but I never regretted it. You two are the greatest things to happen to me. I'm sorry I made you think otherwise, but I was just so worried that I couldn't raise you two right. I was always worried I'd do something wrong, and it got the best of me. Before I know it, there was a wedge between us and I was too busy worrying to do anything to fix it." 

"You hated me writing." He said, racking back his memories, remembering the look of disapproval whenever she read what he wrote.

"No! I could never hate it." She gasped. "I was just worried... It was the unsuccessful writing career that led your dad to being a alcoholic after all, I just didn't want you to ever feel that sadness too, Youngjae-ah. It wasn't me thinking you'd end up like him, it was just me not wanting to see another person I love with all my heart to go through all that pain again." 

"So-" He choked on his words as his vision got blurry with tears. " _You didn't hate me_?" 

"I could never- I love you, son. And I've always been so proud of you, I love you so much." She pulled him for a hug and he let her, both crying years of frustration away. 

 


	20. Final

*3 hours later* 

"How's your hot choco?" His sister ask, and he smiled at her softly.

"I can see why they're the kids' favourite." 

"Well, mum said you two are going out tomorrow." She said, turning to look at him.

"Yeah... We have a lot to catch up on." 

"Yeah just... over 10 years? plus minus?" She teased him, and he just snorted.

"Yeah, just 10 years, plus minus." He copied her tone and she laughed.

 "You're an idiot you know that." She smiled and he frowned at her. "I can't believe you thought she hated you." 

"S-shut up." He blushed now, embarrassed about how stupid it sounded coming from someone else. "It was more than that." 

"I know." Se said, looking at him seriously now. "It was much more, so you know it'll take time right? And patience to understand each other." 

"I know." He replied.

"Good."

 

*3 days later*

"Bye, I'll miss you." He said, hugging his mum.

"I'll miss you too, son. Make sure to call me okay?" She replied, leaving a kiss on his cheek.

"I will." He smiled.

"I'll come visit you soon in Seoul, take care now." 

After saying goodbye to her and her partner, he and his sister drove back home, with the kids sound asleep in the backseat. The past days he had with his mum had changed his perspective on a lot of things, especially his past. Talking to her reminded him of the times that they spent on laughing, instead of arguing and he was just in disbelief with himself. At how his insecurities erased those memories and made the bad ones even uglier than what they really were, making him believe in a false past. It also reminded him of all the good times he have with Jaebum, and for the first time in a while, his insides are warm, and he feels happy. 

"So, when are you going back?" 

"Kicking me out already?" He teased his sister and she just snorted.

"Yes, I don't want to see your ugly face around here. So go back to your boyfriend already, geez." 

"He's not my-" 

"Shut up. He is, as if his whipped ass is letting you go." She scoffed and he blushed at that.

"You don't know-" 

"Yes I do. Well, him calling me these past few days sure make me believe that."

"He _what_?!" He asked, turning to look at her and slightly swerved the car in unison.

"Hey! My kids are in the car you idiot! Eyes on the road." She chided him and he sheepishly apologised.  

 

*3 weeks later* 

"I brought dinner." Jaebum said, as he entered the house.

"Hi hyung." Youngjae greeted him with a hug, and a kiss on his cheeks. "I missed you." He said, clinging on to him as they walked to the kitchen.

"Hmm, miss you too, Jae-ah." Jaebum smiled, pulling the younger one for a kiss. 

"I baked a cake for you." Youngjae said, walking to the fridge to get it.

"I know your sister came here today, Jae-ah." Jaebum laughed. "She texted me to remind me to eat the cake _she_ made. 

"Well I helped decorated it so-" He shrugged. "And I'm gonna get you to change your number, she's so annoying texting you everyday." 

"Oh, are you jealous." Jaebum teased him, and Youngjae just scoffed. 

"As if." He pouted and Jaebum luaghed softly, walking to his lover to give him a hug. 

"You know our conversation just consists her of spamming me with complaints about her kids right?"

" How dare she complain about my niece and nephew like that?" Youngjae playfully replied. 

 

*3 years later*

"Think of this as practice." Jaebum reminded him and he still whined.

"Practice for what, we're not even married yet, hyung." 

"Yeah, but we are engaged _to be_ married so." Jaebum shrugged.

"Ugh, I just had a perfect night planned for our anniversary and now we have to take care of a bunch of kids."

"What happened to the loving caring uncle Youngjae, huh? They're your sister's kids, not some random strangers."

"Hey I'm still fun loving caring uncle Youngjae, I just wanted to wine and dine, that's all."

"I know you planned the night for a while now baby, but we can just moved it to the next week or something." 

"Yeah, but it's not our anniversary." 

"Who cares, everyday with you is just as special." 

"Ah hyung! You're too cheesy." He whined but couldn't hide the blush away.

"Only for you baby." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this is disappointing. Obviously when I started this I had a better expectation as to how I wanted this to turn out, but while writing this there had been a lot of shit happening to my personal life, and I just don't have the time to make this into the story it could've been. I added their past with Yugyeom and the band, because that was supposed to be another major plot point with Jabum but as you can see, that fell through as well and this story became majorly Youngjae when it was supposed to be 50-50. and I know I've apologised like at every update, but I truly am sorry I wasted your time on this. I don't deliver, and I shouldn't had started this to begin with. Many times I wanted to just delete this but even that didn't feel right with me, so here I am ending it with this kid of shitty ending. I don't know if deleting it would've been better, so I will delete this in a week or a months's time, because I am just not proud of this story whatsoever. 
> 
> I started writing this with Youngjae's pov taken majorly from my own personal life, so with the shit happening this year I just can't continue doing so anymore, and I ran out of inspiration for this story to the point it wasn't even fun writing anymore, I just wanted to keep updating, and that is just a recipe for disaster tbh. I'm not sure if I'd return back to writing, but if I do, I'd definitely finish it all before uploading, no more of these kind of stories where you have to wait for an update. I do have a nearly completed story that had been in my draft since last year and I might get around to finishing that and posting it, but who knows. 
> 
> It's just a shame because I do enjoy writing, but now it turned to more of a chore, and I should be smarter to not let my personal life affect me like this, so I apologise yet again. Thank you for showering it with your love and time, and I'm sorry I didn't push this story to it's full potential. I'm always grateful for your understanding, so thank you again, and I'm deeply sorry.
> 
> p/s If you'd like to know what I had planned for this story initially you can dm me on Twitter @hesitantricia . I know it's not enough; but I hope it'd be some sort if consolation.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments comments comments please!!!


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